... and he said...

"kiss me". She knew in her heart, that it would be the start of a slow, painful and deliberate death. Deliberate, because she learned eons ago what it was like to be within proximity of him. It was like running into a car-crash with the purpose of meeting it half way... And she embraced the idea of rushing headlong into a sea of cars on a crowded highway as she thought to herself, "hmmm, pre-meditated??? hell yes"...

Slow and painful, because after this whole ordeal, she felt like someone terminal with cancer, but the worst part is, she'll never know when this ends. She will definitely feel it somehow, but @ this point, it's indeterminate. She had been caught in a mousetrap of her own making. This was not how it was supposed to be, but somewhere, she made a wrong turn and got lost, again.

Months ago, she wondered, "hmmm, what's he like, now?", and marveled @ the thought, "does he still feel like some demi-god... a sort of gift to women, of sorts...?" Bitter??? Hell no, although, she did strain her memory a little, trying to recall the bits and pieces of him that she had collected over time and felt a twinge of gloom... She has never really experienced "us", not with him. It had always been him & her, she & he, with the "and" always in between, like a bridge trying to bring 2 worlds together, but never-ever coming close. The saddest part of it all was that, she felt, it had always just been her... But no matter, she would be ready, or so, she thought.

Like theives they walked in the shadows, with him leading on, and her straining to follow. In her mind, she wanted him to ask, she wanted him to be the first to ask, to maybe let him think that he picked her up first... In her mind she silently implored of him, "ask me once, and i'll say yes, damn-it!". Something seemed to spark because what followed next was an extraordinary turn of events and she was back where she started, to another life of about 4 years ago. And she wondered later on, was it the alcohol, or just being there with him that made it seem feasible, @ the time...?

She began to hate Erica Jong, for giving her the idea of the zipless fuck... She smiled, melancholic, and thought, "it would have been nice, though, to have everything without having to feel any guilt." Not one drop of remorse. It was everything she read in the book, the mystery, that hedonistic and depraved feeling of wanting nothing more.

But the experience was not zipless. There were no rose petals falling from the air, no incense or scented candles, not even piped-in music... Instead it was some maze of a cab-ride to nowhere in some cheap motel that charged by the hour and smelled musty and stank of other people's sweat... It was purely a "fuck", nothing more. To him, she probably meant nothing... He was like a drill sergeant giving out commands like, "take off your clothes, do this, do that". Until slowly she felt mechanical, like some coin-operated girl... Except she ran on and on, eager to please, waiting for... sunrise??? sunset??? Whatever, a burst of light of sorts that would signal the end of it...

The experience was not zipless, because it rained with complications, and the feeling of a steady and tragic affliction. It was like having your heart carved out in a million different ways, no one ever thought possible. It was the guilt that points its dirty little finger @ the most vile and impossible thing that she did... And the worst part was not having anyone to talk to about it, because no one will understand. So, she lets the shame chisel bits and pieces of her virtue, until she feels that it, too, is lost. No one has to know, the little hells she went through, while trying to draw out poetry out of the emptiness he carved. And like every episode of frailty in her life, it will come to pass, and then the healing comes. No one has to know the abyss that she has fallen into. No one.


***an attempt @ fiction writing, where the hell are my subjects going??? i don't know... heerap pala... will figure this out, eventually...

***The events, characters and emotions described within this blog are somewhat fictional... Any resemblance to actual persons living, dead or out of the country is purely unfortunate...

beginning to...

grieve...

When will i start

to believe

again?

Why does it matter

when friends

fall

and falter?

To pitter,

patter

like rain on

the concrete pavement,

fear darkness

of basements,

a hanging,

a death sentence.

She wears black

she wears black.

Everyday,

she wears,

and tears,

rot like pears,

see tupperwares.

Feels like,

shoes run on treadmills

stinking landfills,

losing wills

and wits...

Life is the pits,

he wrote,

she wrote back

him full of mocking

her full of questions.

What happened?

this quilt will not mend

this quilt will not mend

this quilt will not mend.

So she, begins to

grieve.

When will i start

to believe

again?

Why does it matter

when friends

fall

and falter?

To pitter,

patter

like rain on

the concrete pavement...

*** a collage of things that happened some night... it's better not to expect anything @ all, it lessens whatever things...

missing...

2 golden minutes

set with 60 diamond stones

each

last left trickling

like sand on a glass vial

don't bother searching

they will never be recovered

those 2 golden minutes

last felt ticking

when you left.

*** 1994 -- reposting nanaman...

...still moving...

...and quite frankly, am dog-gone tired... patience is a vitue, if you have plenty, and i don't think i ever will have much... delayed gratification has never been my thing, and now i'm hooked... 7 days feels like an eternity... a lot has happened in 7 days, but i'm still stuck in 2004... hmmm, well, now-what???

don't you just hate moving...???

that's me, trying to move my stuff/site from one area of the internet to the other... wondering, how do i get to keep footprints and thumbmarks left on my previous site...??? (ie: comments & replies & pm's) ... and that famous movie quote i can never get right -- "it's not what you hold in your hands that is important, it's what's left when you open them and let go... dilemma, dilemma, dilemma... maybe, i won't have to delete that account... maybe, i just won't use it...???

welcome to the mover's connection... parang naglipat den'ako ng gamet, ah... oh well, whatever, enough said...

*** The events, characters and emotions described within this blog are somewhat fictional... Any resemblance to actual persons living, dead or out of the country is purely unfortunate...

...message from pandora's box

for the longest time i have tried to put it off. i tried to restrain myself and play oblivious of this fact. but then, you are a man, of course, and will always yearn for physical company.

for the love of sanity, i have tried not to ask any question/s pertaining to "her", although i did see you write so many times about it. and th@ day was just so caught up with nothing to say, it finally happened. if i remember (and i probably don't because the last moments have been a blur) it well, my exact words were "what's she like?"

and always, always, always -- curiosity will kill the cat. and in this case, am engulfed in a nightmare of my own doing. after all, i did say the unmentionable and opened a pandora's box of sorts in which i can never escape...

my past has caught up with me and am laughed @ in the face. ok, to dsum it all up, this was how i felt when i read the message, or tried to, because everything has become a blur. and i guess it was my own fault for asking... in whichever case, i'm glad "she" is "wonderful" and so much more happy that you're happy with "her".

it would've been really selfish of me not to say so... and today, i am selfish. because i will never be described as anything more than someone who broke others' hearts, so...

***originally posted: Aug 23, '06 3:33 PM

...message from pandora's box

for the longest time i have tried to put it off. i tried to restrain myself and play oblivious of this fact. but then, you are a man, of course, and will always yearn for physical company.

for the love of sanity, i have tried not to ask any question/s pertaining to "her", although i did see you write so many times about it. and th@ day was just so caught up with nothing to say, it finally happened. if i remember (and i probably don't because the last moments have been a blur) it well, my exact words were "what's she like?"

and always, always, always -- curiosity will kill the cat. and in this case, am engulfed in a nightmare of my own doing. after all, i did say the unmentionable and opened a pandora's box of sorts in which i can never escape...

my past has caught up with me and am laughed @ in the face. ok, to dsum it all up, this was how i felt when i read the message, or tried to, because everything has become a blur. and i guess it was my own fault for asking... in whichever case, i'm glad "she" is "wonderful" and so much more happy that you're happy with "her".

it would've been really selfish of me not to say so... and today, i am selfish. because i will never be described as anything more than someone who broke others' hearts, so...

***originally posted: Aug 23, '06 3:33 PM

...message from pandora's box

for the longest time i have tried to put it off. i tried to restrain myself and play oblivious of this fact. but then, you are a man, of course, and will always yearn for physical company.

for the love of sanity, i have tried not to ask any question/s pertaining to "her", although i did see you write so many times about it. and th@ day was just so caught up with nothing to say, it finally happened. if i remember (and i probably don't because the last moments have been a blur) it well, my exact words were "what's she like?"

and always, always, always -- curiosity will kill the cat. and in this case, am engulfed in a nightmare of my own doing. after all, i did say the unmentionable and opened a pandora's box of sorts in which i can never escape...

my past has caught up with me and am laughed @ in the face. ok, to dsum it all up, this was how i felt when i read the message, or tried to, because everything has become a blur. and i guess it was my own fault for asking... in whichever case, i'm glad "she" is "wonderful" and so much more happy that you're happy with "her".

it would've been really selfish of me not to say so... and today, i am selfish. because i will never be described as anything more than someone who broke others' hearts, so...

***originally posted: Aug 23, '06 3:33 PM

... another day with "him"

am dreading the today... and i hate mondays... always have, always will... my day starts on tuesday, like that abrasive relations song -- "we love tuesday on tuesday"... why? because i will not see "him" again...

this morning, and i swear forgive me for sounding like a drunken - alcoholic housewife, but
when lyzee and i went downstairs for a couple of beer @ tapa king (of course, it's all because of the tokwa't baboy!!! it's always been for the tokwa't baboy...), i had innocently asked ginger if it's ossible to feel the ultimate loathe for someone you don't even know...?

i mean -- poot sia, poot ako -- and we prob'ly don't even know the first letters of each other's first names...! shocking ain't it? could this be the start of something i will totally feel about about for the rest of my life...?

and then i get scared... there are things that i have done in the past and thought had gotten away with... what if "he" was my grim reaper inccarnate... i spent many sleepless (well, almost, barely 4 hours of sleep) afternoon/s because of this... what if... what if... what if... sounds scary, doesn't it???

and i'm probably not making any sense today, i'm with slight anticipation, with a hint of a beer-buzz, has a chance that i over-smoked today, and that is why i have these anxieties... i miss childhood when things were not so complicated, when all the choices you had was to either have the barbie or the cabbage patch doll for your 7th birthday...

and now i'm re-thinking if i'll be able to work and plot/ plan the life-course of my children... i have offspring!!! i am female, pala... i have given birth to a tree that i would have to nurture and care for aside from myself... i am scared... will i pull it off??? will i be ble to pull it off???

and to top it all off... there is still the issue of "him" in the office, and i can't help but dread, mondays... any monday worth mentioning where i keep bumping into "him" and most of all "her"... and they look so perfect together... and i'm wondering, when will i be perfect...???

had i asked for too much? was i really reaping what i had sown...? is this why they keep telling me everything will go back to you threefold?... really can't say, i don't have a clue... i maybe just over-reacting, making mountains out of mole-hills, reading too much between the lines (when actually, the bibliography has been carefully mapped out... huh???)

ah, basta... it's monday... and like all mondays past, i dread... idread... i dread... mondays.

enough said.

***originally posted: Aug 21, '06 5:32 PM

Funny how moods change

...when i read my entry from last night and i see that everything had changed from -- contemplative to melancholic to chipper to crushed... what a night i must've had...

... can't say why i suddenly felt the urge to write a mile a minute --- oh, yeah, stupidity got the best of me, before i even saved my latest, greatest masterpiece, my pc had suddenly surged to refresh mode and deleted the entry... and it was indeed very gut-wrenching, heart-stopping one...

... i dread going to the office today, because, i know that i will definitely see "him" along with "her"... and i don't know why "they" affect me so much... hell, i don't even know their names, or what their freinds who know them call them by... really have no clue, but each time i see his colored hair, my mood passes a series of natural catastrophes as level 3 typhoon, a hurricane and some decibel 4 earthquakes... minor, but really, i feel so -- ugh! i don't know...

... and let's not even talk about his colored hair that goodness tells me doing that came and went with the bandwagon it came from... geezus! i can be so mean sometimes... and i'm not taking this lightly... why??? because my previous post had been stupidly erradicate... no amount of back-tracking can recover... i hate the internet sometimes... :(

... oh, and also, seeing him in the office 3 times a week, just a glimpse takes me back to "him"... and he left me!!! 8 years ago to be exact... and when i see his long-lost brother just brings me back to a time and a musty-smelling and tainted club (called dredd) and i'm in braids wearing very thick mascara, pale lipstick & doc martens and him... we're sharing a glass of adios and used the same straw (i should've lamitaed that darned thing years ago...) but no, i will not stoop to stalker-like level...but i find it really funny how things seemed like a chico-sci or urban dub video then... and i get so affected...

...enough said...

***originally posted: Aug 18, '06 5:54 PM

I missed you today...

i remember some of the things i shouldn't have, couldn't have done as opposed to what i should have or could have done... sorry, i saw superman, the new movie version... and it had some parallelism/s to my life, what happened because of things... things no one should ever have to feel, because they're damaging -- physically, emotionally...

i remember kissing you by the door of the ladies' powder room (was there such a place in club dredd..) and wanting more... i let it stop there though... my death began when your lips touched mine and i will never feel anything as intense... nor feel anything as innocent and real...

i hated you when you left without saying goodbye, and thought i'd moved on... i haven't really... you carved your way into my heart like some stain no amount of reason can ever wash away...

now, i'm not really sure if i love you to reciprocate some guilt feeling/s i have for not admitting what i felt years ago... or maybe i love you now because you are something that i will never have (and man will always yearn for things forbidden and deprived)... i'm not really sure if it is lust manifest as love... or maybe i love you because i have, always, just loved you...

no one ever knew me the way you did... no one... period...

i don't regret things that happened after "us", if there was ever an "us"... i just wish you can move forward without "me" dragging you behind... do you sometimes feel that? i do... i feel like someone's nightmare, made flesh... have you moved on -- without me? i don't mind...

leave me in my misery, because i deserve this... i'm so sorry... this time, i really am...

and joy division's love will tear us apart is playing on my launchcast radio -- what a backdrop to a very melancholic day i am having...

***originally posted: Aug 18, '06 12:26 AM

Circus Studios

i can't believe i said yes... to join y old percussion buddies again... haiii, pressure!!! play the snare, do this, do that... enrique, por favor, i just got here!

and the freaky part about it is, i enjoyed that day... and would consider yesterday as my official -- homecoming!!! i had a chance to play the rocar & the tamborim which had become my favorite instrument over-all... eh, why the tamborim? because it is light, right and you can dance without effort with this instrument... i simply love it!

see inset on the right... look how fun it is! and i missed that... had a beer as well with diane, rose & tusa... missed them as well... gurl-talk...

*** originally posted: Aug 17, '06 11:49 PM for everyone

On 80's Alternative Music

if there is a god online... i would be damned, for internet heresy... grabbing photos, posting irrelevant thoughts without hesitation, and giving unsolicited advice to anyone who would probably come face to face with my blogs... a shame, really... the only way to redeem myself is to focus on one topic @ a time, collect relevant detail/s of my life and post in all honesty...

well, here is one... really!

while listening to elvis costello, i contemplate how 80's alternative music evolved to the 90's... they sound so totally night and day... 80's alternative, though totally appealing sounded so pansy-driven... not to cause any commotion and violent reaction to my previous comment/s but has anyone listened to -- r.e.m., 10,000 maniacs, the pretenders, new order, the smiths & soft cell -- as opposed to green day, 311, red hot chili peppers, or nirvana & soundgarden? get my point?

one of these days, someone with a grudge on their late 30's and early 40's will be running over my sorry ass with their suv's... really! because of these forethought/s, thought/s & afterthought/s...

well, there are other bands that sounded a bit heavy then -- the alarm, the replacements, the cult... they also had that crunchy geetar sounds & used power chords like there's no tomorrow... hmmm... and then you hve the all acoustic punk band -- violent femmes in the 80's... and prose you'll never hear again from robert smith of the cure or echo & the bunnymen the 80's actually sounded, not so bad...

enough said...

my first journal entry

***SURVEY Says:

1.)Single, Crushin', Interested, or in a
Relationship?

* really can't say... does being single make you emotionally deficit? does married life make you proud to say you are? does being married and casually interested make you prone to having affairs... really can't say...

2) Are you happy with where you are?
* where you are... is that a physical point of reference...? some days i'm ecstatic, some days, just not... is that a problem...?

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
* no, but when i fall in love, it will be forever -- like that song... freaky, ain't it?

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
* no, more like, thrown out, crushed to the ground and beaten to a pulp, and maybe a couple of times..

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
* exams that you forgot to cram for? maybe...

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
* is being into someone without crossing the physical barrier/s having an affair... then maybe, i have... tsk, tsk.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
* honey, i'm into one... but we never really talked about it, more like thrown in our face/s like a wet towel.

8) Do you want children?
* always... recipe for a healthy marriage, take care of someone else, not just yourselves -- or your neighbors'...

9) How many?

* 5 -- all girls (wiccas)... but then again, i have 2, and they're perfect.

10) Would you consider adoption?
* what?! and waste my definitely prime, grade-a genes...? maybe, if i were sterile -- i love children...

11) If somebody likes you right now, what do you think would be a cool way to let you know?
* just a hint of a coy look and slow smile, leave it on him for a few seconds til you catch a glimpse of him looking @ you -- then look away... leave a lasting impression, without really saying a word...

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
* not really... if that's not who i am? then, i'd rather be myself rather than be superficial...

13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating the player?
* players will be players... and the games are quite competitive... yeah, i guess, and beating him @ his own game would be an option...

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?

* not really... what is worth seeing cannot be seen by the naked eye... things like -- a good sense of humor, witty comments, great bedroom voice... i fall in love with sounds! :)

15) Are you romantic?
* hopeless...

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
* yeah, but that would be totally inaproppriate... you cannot be in a relationship hoping to make-over or change someone...

17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object, where would it be?
* the great barrier reef -- aussie! and everyone would be wearing scuba gear, and what-not...

18) Sex buddies - good or bad?
* FB's -- enjoy 'em while they last... because they don't, usually...

19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
* yes, i am such a crybaby... tissue please.

20) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know it or not?
* hmmm... what kind of feelings -- like you wanna throw yourself @ em? or throw your hands on someone's neck...?

21) Have u ever wished u could've had someone but u messed that up?
* honey, i always seem to mess it up... but yeah, i did have one -- and he got away... i'm sure he's thanking some nameless deity for his luck!

22.) Have you broken a heart?
* hmmm... more like, thrown out, crushed to the ground and beaten to a pulp, and maybe a couple of times, too... what comes around, goes around baby!

23.)What will happen if u come and find another person in bed with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ wife/ husband?

* anyone for threesome???

24.) Would u ever fight somebody over ur significant other?
* no. plain and simple.

25.)What would u say about your last ex?
* i'm walkin', i'm walkin', i'll keep walkin' by...

*** don't you just find these things silly??? well, i picked it up from someone's mail and answered 'em, so i guess, that makes me sillier... this is my initial entry... prob'ly keep writing silly stuff in the future...

the dharmasattva stories will be moving...

relocation seems to be the best option @ this time...and this is the best time for change...