Wednesday, May 28, 2008

...ALMOST JUNE...slightly free verse

as i bask in the light,

summerday grow shorter

twilight seems to stay

much, much longer...

i long for the sunshine,

to stay awhile...

how he runs away from my grasp

like a little boy teasing

runs away

tenderly waves,

and is gone...

and i remember,

Beltaine's already passed...

so-long spring time love

my dark, wet

and dreary days

now will take your stead...

and whichever direction you came from

is where angels

fear to tread...

so-long summerbreeze

and your crystal clear skies

impeccable whites

of your cotton-candy cloud...

my dark, dreary wet earth

awaits

and beckons...

FREE VERSE 81X03

i have learned how to take everything,

one day @ a time

it's just that on some occasions

several days, attack...

all @ once!!!

and i am covered, in chaos

sometimes closer to drowning...

other days, everything else

just leaves me alone... moreso, now

some days like now,

when all i ever want

is someone to touch...

someone to hold me...

guide me towards the light...

well, well, well

is it the kitchen i find?

or the basement?

no matter,

just get me there...

in one

solid

piece...

Monday, May 26, 2008

Contemplative mood...

yey!!! hooray!!! i'm finally getting my rhythm back and slept and woke up @ the desired timeframe i planned... hmmm, the power of the mind can be quite surprising, but then again, this is what i wanted, this is what i planned, so...


woke up @ 1:30 this afternoon and now having my first cup of coffee... i superlove coffee, and was out in the garden and listening to the sounds of the earth, the daily sonance & dissonance... i can imagine and feel the earth breathe and heave around me... and i suddenly feel a wave of emotions pass - in between content, melancholic and contemplative...


spent time with "S" this morning and i don't think she's ok... i have always thoughtof her as "bullet-broof" and "untouchable" sort of like an oak tree... so bad of me to dissect and generalize people too much... i cannot help putting people in small boxes and labelling them -- not healthy... mental note -- "broaden perspective and analyze less"... so, the minute i wake up, i still think of her and the last time we parted ways and she almost hits a man crossing the street... i don't know if she saw that i saw, and so on... but i text her anyway and make sure she replies... and she did... grand... but i forgot to thank her for the ride, hopefully she understands... @ least, it occured to me that she got home safe... right now, i am debating if i want to give her a "protection spell" or a token of something to boost her inner self... but, she might think i'm freaky... well, who knows what happens next unless i come up to her and do something... (girl who wants to save the world and can't even save herself...) a good listening ear and assurance, probably will work better... well, hopefully i will see her @ work today and talk about her issues more... there's nothing better than pouing your heart out over coffee, or lunchbreaks or what-not... (this day is not about me... mantra...)


and because i woke up early, today, i will watch my fave show on tv - Witch Yoohee - superkewlness... it's not really that funny when media makes a parody out of the word "witch" and what the word actually stands for, but in all honesty, i find the show amusing, and i like it, because i can laugh in a genuine manner... sometimes all we need is a good laugh to get through the day... there i go again...
oh well, whatever, enough said...

incantation...

i am beauty personified...

mother earth, made flesh...

***unfinished... i'm sure i'll think up more words... just that today, those lines came as a spark, and waned...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

TATTVA

I. Like the flower and the scent of summer,
like the sun and shine,
Well the truth may come in strange disguise
Send the message to your mind.


II. At the moment that you wake from sleeping
and you know it's all a dream,
Well the truth may come in strange disguises
Never knowing what it means.


III. For you shall be tommorow,
like you have been today,
If this was never ending, what more can you say?

*** from a prayer ***


Tattva is a Sanskrit word meaning 'thatness', 'principle', 'reality' or 'truth'...According to various Indian schools of philosophy, a tattva is an element or aspect of reality conceived as an aspect of deity.


Hush...

For some reason, it is 5:00am and i suddenly woke up and sooooh unable to sleep again... i was thinking about running today, but i have a slight cold and decide against it, since i clearly remember what happened the last time, i ended up in bed with the flu... i have been thinking a lot (again) lately... and thinking is sometimes bad, when it means wallowing in despair... "let it go, let it go..." but can i? saturdae, i was supposed to go out with my college buddies since she called me up and she was not feeling too great... (my angelic kin waking up, then and there), except that day, i was not feeling too helpful myself... i felt kind of like a wounded dog, so i decide against it, i might make it worse, and made a lame excuse that i was coming down with something and stayed home... then an "ex" texted, asking if i wanted to go for coffee... sucker!!! i'd said yes the last time, but not today, so, i ignore the messages and pretended not receive it (which was just as mean)... he will be so pissed, but today, i'm not myself and i reject human contact... because, i might end up absorbing their energies instead... not a pretty sight... "let it go, let it go" -- so i tell myself more than a dozen times... spent time with the kids instead... Sunday morning, went to my mom's with the kids and went shopping with my sister... bought shoes!!! for some reason, i feel a bit better after that episode... am i in the middle of an anxiety attack??? goddess, i hope not...

Sunday night, we get back home and as i was preparing the kids to bed, "Q", one of my college buddies, calls... and we have our usual chit-chat... and she tells me she needs a boyfriend and if "J" is still single, i say ... and instead of feeling her loneliness, i'd asked -- "how much does an online english teacher make???" -- so selfish me... so our conversation is funny -- it intertwines between old/new flames and job-hunting...

don't get me wrong, i love my job, but sooooh many changes have occured and lately, i feel that it has drained so much energy from me, and my corporate world has become a nosferatu-like system, sometimes i feel the need to get out...

if something is slowly chipping away bits and pieces of you, it means that it is not a good thing, right??? errr, right... and it doesn't help that i saw "him" again to ruin my working days... well, @ least he has not resigned, and good for him, there is a chance that he'll @ least get his retirement... so, what are my options??? hmmm, online english teacher sounds good... contemplate, contemplate, contemplate... until it becomes a meditation in itself...

as i write, hush by kula shaker is playing in the background... hush mind, hush... this'll pass...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Pandora's Box... a FREE VERSE - 2004

it is 7:00 A.M. , and i'm walking home
alone, again.
i do not miss Reean & Kix
i do not miss breaking up
the triumvirate.
i do not miss having breakfast and catching a glimpse
of their intimacy,
a private joke,
a shared smile, laugh,
or teasing,
over something
so only shared by 2
i do not miss being te third wheel
and i know what it feels like
to carry the weight of 2.

So, @ 7:00 a.m. that day
that morning,
i decided to walk home
alone. again.
And then a funny thing happened,
my feet gave up
as i was crossing the street to where Podium was.
It was as if some force of nature
some nameless circumstance as an angel
deliberately try to cripple me...
i get hit by cramps!!!

My gym instructor used to say ,
potassium
is the cure to cramps
but the last thing i want to do, @ this unholy time,
is to look for bananas...!

An alternative would be, breakfast.
i presume, as i amble,
and hobble,
and limp my way to Starbux
where he coffee is great
and the expense for that greatness,
greater.

So, i order black coffee, iced, no sugar
bagel, whole wheat, tosted
and Philly cream cheese. And hope,
and wish
and pray
that @ least one of those, had, of course
potassium in it.

And so, i dine, al fresco
with both my feet up on a chair
meditating on the pain,
all of it,
to subside.

So, where do you come in
this psycho-melodrama?
You read on and find out that
it is rather short,
more like a bit part,
a cameo, as they say on film.

From where i was temporarily planted,
there is a good view of Ortigas
the facades of old buildings
intertwyned with the new.
Like where i was then, stuck between
letting go of,
and loving you.

And i remenisce, nostalgic
( a feeling of overhelming persistence
when with a cup in my hand)
upon the last time we met.
How @ that particular moment
i felt that
you were mine
you were mine?
you were?
were you ever mine?
i always asked myself then,
so what can make it any different now?
Time is fleeting
and will always run its course
and space is as vast
and you will one day stray
to where my feet cannot follow
because i walk too slow,
and will always get the cramps.

Are you still going to ask why,
i sanctify this distance...?

One day,
i will say why. (Tuesday)
One day,
i will tell you why. (Wednesday)
One day,
i will definitely say why. (Thursday)
Any day now... why not?

Why?
Because you have opened up my fears
this Pandora's box has been unlocked
opened
undone
You have broken my shell
and i am afraid
that when your fancy declines
all that would be left
is
addiction.
So, don't ask me why
because i feel that you know why.

Understand this,
i wanted to remember
that i walked away first.
Never was the best student of life.
Never took a course in
"the art of letting go"
i wanted to remember
that i walked away first.
Take out my sewing kit
break open the super glue
Pull myself together
before
i evenfall apart again
this time, over you.
i've seen too mny backs turned
i've heard too many footsteps fade away
i will not sit and wait
to have my spirit chiseled away
small parts @ a time
slowly, and painfully
each time,
like the last time

So, @ 7:00 a.m. that day
i walk home.
Alone.
Again.

and i do not miss Ree-an and Kix
i do not miss breaking up
the triumvirate
i do not miss having breakfast and catching a glimpse
of their intimacy
a private joke
a shared laugh, smile or giggle.
Over something
so only shared by 2.
i do not miss being the third wheel.
And i know what it feels like
to carry the weight of 2.


or: Brooding with a cup of coffee, a piece of bagel and Philly Cream Cheese @ Starbuck's Podium, and Mourning over you...

OMG!!! Happy Anniversary!!!

i cannot believe i spent, nay, wallowed 2 years and blogged part of my life... thank you so much, my beloved laptop who never (?) - ooopsss, spoke too soon, remember the time with the live-journal post, uhhhhmmm, yeah... - let's make it, most often, agrees with my moods and the swings, yey!!!

and my darling, my speedball, i try not to remember too well - http://hairydawgs.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/11/index.html

2 years online, and what have i accomplished? basically... nothing? hmmm. no matter, i cannot believe, it's been that long... what a wild rollercoaster ride... hope i don't run out of things to rant, rave and whine about...

REPOSTING FROM an Old BLOG... UNTITLED

unfinished,
broken,
hanging in mid-air

i seek
something
perhaps
something
that will remain unseen.

i hold
in my hands
pieces of you
maybe...

my mind tries to capture
a perfect picture
of that one fine day
but too much alcohol
finds a gap in the details
what you said
remained perfectly so well
with you.
and i burn in shame,
because
i sometimes
lack bits and pieces
of that same scene...

we both remember
somehow,
i still do,

because right now
where i am,
i hold them close,
i still do,
not wanting to let go
of pieces of the puzzle
you took only minutes
to solve...

and when you did,
you stood up,
walked away,
i can still hear your footsteps
fading in the background

and i sit there
on the floor
a hand on my head,
the left one
perhaps,
i try to recall
i can't seem to focus
anymore...

i sit there on the floor,
trying to put together
pieces of the puzzle
we both promised to build,
but then we never did...

you walked away again,
maybe this time,
never to return.


***
and like the hundreds of Free Verses i have written, this one definitely means a lot... reality speaks volumes when i say to myself more than a dozen times - "salvage that something you will virtually lose..." - the muse/s? have moved on, a long time ago, the words remain... and i would gladly embrace all that remains, whatever it is, than be in a state of blissful amnesia... well, whatever, enough said...