i remember some of the things i shouldn't have, couldn't have done as opposed to what i should have or could have done... sorry, i saw superman, the new movie version... and it had some parallelism/s to my life, what happened because of things... things no one should ever have to feel, because they're damaging -- physically, emotionally...
i remember kissing you by the door of the ladies' powder room (was there such a place in club dredd..) and wanting more... i let it stop there though... my death began when your lips touched mine and i will never feel anything as intense... nor feel anything as innocent and real...
i hated you when you left without saying goodbye, and thought i'd moved on... i haven't really... you carved your way into my heart like some stain no amount of reason can ever wash away...
now, i'm not really sure if i love you to reciprocate some guilt feeling/s i have for not admitting what i felt years ago... or maybe i love you now because you are something that i will never have (and man will always yearn for things forbidden and deprived)... i'm not really sure if it is lust manifest as love... or maybe i love you because i have, always, just loved you...
no one ever knew me the way you did... no one... period...
i don't regret things that happened after "us", if there was ever an "us"... i just wish you can move forward without "me" dragging you behind... do you sometimes feel that? i do... i feel like someone's nightmare, made flesh... have you moved on -- without me? i don't mind...
leave me in my misery, because i deserve this... i'm so sorry... this time, i really am...
and joy division's love will tear us apart is playing on my launchcast radio -- what a backdrop to a very melancholic day i am having...
***originally posted: Aug 18, '06 12:26 AM
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