... another day with "him"

am dreading the today... and i hate mondays... always have, always will... my day starts on tuesday, like that abrasive relations song -- "we love tuesday on tuesday"... why? because i will not see "him" again...

this morning, and i swear forgive me for sounding like a drunken - alcoholic housewife, but
when lyzee and i went downstairs for a couple of beer @ tapa king (of course, it's all because of the tokwa't baboy!!! it's always been for the tokwa't baboy...), i had innocently asked ginger if it's ossible to feel the ultimate loathe for someone you don't even know...?

i mean -- poot sia, poot ako -- and we prob'ly don't even know the first letters of each other's first names...! shocking ain't it? could this be the start of something i will totally feel about about for the rest of my life...?

and then i get scared... there are things that i have done in the past and thought had gotten away with... what if "he" was my grim reaper inccarnate... i spent many sleepless (well, almost, barely 4 hours of sleep) afternoon/s because of this... what if... what if... what if... sounds scary, doesn't it???

and i'm probably not making any sense today, i'm with slight anticipation, with a hint of a beer-buzz, has a chance that i over-smoked today, and that is why i have these anxieties... i miss childhood when things were not so complicated, when all the choices you had was to either have the barbie or the cabbage patch doll for your 7th birthday...

and now i'm re-thinking if i'll be able to work and plot/ plan the life-course of my children... i have offspring!!! i am female, pala... i have given birth to a tree that i would have to nurture and care for aside from myself... i am scared... will i pull it off??? will i be ble to pull it off???

and to top it all off... there is still the issue of "him" in the office, and i can't help but dread, mondays... any monday worth mentioning where i keep bumping into "him" and most of all "her"... and they look so perfect together... and i'm wondering, when will i be perfect...???

had i asked for too much? was i really reaping what i had sown...? is this why they keep telling me everything will go back to you threefold?... really can't say, i don't have a clue... i maybe just over-reacting, making mountains out of mole-hills, reading too much between the lines (when actually, the bibliography has been carefully mapped out... huh???)

ah, basta... it's monday... and like all mondays past, i dread... idread... i dread... mondays.

enough said.

***originally posted: Aug 21, '06 5:32 PM