Hush...

For some reason, it is 5:00am and i suddenly woke up and sooooh unable to sleep again... i was thinking about running today, but i have a slight cold and decide against it, since i clearly remember what happened the last time, i ended up in bed with the flu... i have been thinking a lot (again) lately... and thinking is sometimes bad, when it means wallowing in despair... "let it go, let it go..." but can i? saturdae, i was supposed to go out with my college buddies since she called me up and she was not feeling too great... (my angelic kin waking up, then and there), except that day, i was not feeling too helpful myself... i felt kind of like a wounded dog, so i decide against it, i might make it worse, and made a lame excuse that i was coming down with something and stayed home... then an "ex" texted, asking if i wanted to go for coffee... sucker!!! i'd said yes the last time, but not today, so, i ignore the messages and pretended not receive it (which was just as mean)... he will be so pissed, but today, i'm not myself and i reject human contact... because, i might end up absorbing their energies instead... not a pretty sight... "let it go, let it go" -- so i tell myself more than a dozen times... spent time with the kids instead... Sunday morning, went to my mom's with the kids and went shopping with my sister... bought shoes!!! for some reason, i feel a bit better after that episode... am i in the middle of an anxiety attack??? goddess, i hope not...

Sunday night, we get back home and as i was preparing the kids to bed, "Q", one of my college buddies, calls... and we have our usual chit-chat... and she tells me she needs a boyfriend and if "J" is still single, i say ... and instead of feeling her loneliness, i'd asked -- "how much does an online english teacher make???" -- so selfish me... so our conversation is funny -- it intertwines between old/new flames and job-hunting...

don't get me wrong, i love my job, but sooooh many changes have occured and lately, i feel that it has drained so much energy from me, and my corporate world has become a nosferatu-like system, sometimes i feel the need to get out...

if something is slowly chipping away bits and pieces of you, it means that it is not a good thing, right??? errr, right... and it doesn't help that i saw "him" again to ruin my working days... well, @ least he has not resigned, and good for him, there is a chance that he'll @ least get his retirement... so, what are my options??? hmmm, online english teacher sounds good... contemplate, contemplate, contemplate... until it becomes a meditation in itself...

as i write, hush by kula shaker is playing in the background... hush mind, hush... this'll pass...