...ALMOST JUNE...slightly free verse

as i bask in the light,

summerday grow shorter

twilight seems to stay

much, much longer...

i long for the sunshine,

to stay awhile...

how he runs away from my grasp

like a little boy teasing

runs away

tenderly waves,

and is gone...

and i remember,

Beltaine's already passed...

so-long spring time love

my dark, wet

and dreary days

now will take your stead...

and whichever direction you came from

is where angels

fear to tread...

so-long summerbreeze

and your crystal clear skies

impeccable whites

of your cotton-candy cloud...

my dark, dreary wet earth

awaits

and beckons...

FREE VERSE 81X03

i have learned how to take everything,

one day @ a time

it's just that on some occasions

several days, attack...

all @ once!!!

and i am covered, in chaos

sometimes closer to drowning...

other days, everything else

just leaves me alone... moreso, now

some days like now,

when all i ever want

is someone to touch...

someone to hold me...

guide me towards the light...

well, well, well

is it the kitchen i find?

or the basement?

no matter,

just get me there...

in one

solid

piece...

Contemplative mood...

yey!!! hooray!!! i'm finally getting my rhythm back and slept and woke up @ the desired timeframe i planned... hmmm, the power of the mind can be quite surprising, but then again, this is what i wanted, this is what i planned, so...

woke up @ 1:30 this afternoon and now having my first cup of coffee... i superlove coffee, and was out in the garden and listening to the sounds of the earth, the daily sonance & dissonance... i can imagine and feel the earth breathe and heave around me... and i suddenly feel a wave of emotions pass - in between content, melancholic and contemplative...

spent time with "S" this morning and i don't think she's ok... i have always thoughtof her as "bullet-broof" and "untouchable" sort of like an oak tree... so bad of me to dissect and generalize people too much... i cannot help putting people in small boxes and labelling them -- not healthy... mental note -- "broaden perspective and analyze less"... so, the minute i wake up, i still think of her and the last time we parted ways and she almost hits a man crossing the street... i don't know if she saw that i saw, and so on... but i text her anyway and make sure she replies... and she did... grand... but i forgot to thank her for the ride, hopefully she understands... @ least, it occured to me that she got home safe... right now, i am debating if i want to give her a "protection spell" or a token of something to boost her inner self... but, she might think i'm freaky... well, who knows what happens next unless i come up to her and do something... (girl who wants to save the world and can't even save herself...) a good listening ear and assurance, probably will work better... well, hopefully i will see her @ work today and talk about her issues more... there's nothing better than pouing your heart out over coffee, or lunchbreaks or what-not... (this day is not about me... mantra...)

and because i woke up early, today, i will watch my fave show on tv - Witch Yoohee - superkewlness... it's not really that funny when media makes a parody out of the word "witch" and what the word actually stands for, but in all honesty, i find the show amusing, and i like it, because i can laugh in a genuine manner... sometimes all we need is a good laugh to get through the day... there i go again...
oh well, whatever, enough said...

incantation...

i am beauty personified...

mother earth, made flesh...

***unfinished... i'm sure i'll think up more words... just that today, those lines came as a spark, and waned...

TATTVA

I. Like the flower and the scent of summer,
like the sun and shine,
Well the truth may come in strange disguise
Send the message to your mind.


II. At the moment that you wake from sleeping
and you know it's all a dream,
Well the truth may come in strange disguises
Never knowing what it means.


III. For you shall be tommorow,
like you have been today,
If this was never ending, what more can you say?

*** from a prayer ***

Tattva is a Sanskrit word meaning 'thatness', 'principle', 'reality' or 'truth'...According to various Indian schools of philosophy, a tattva is an element or aspect of reality conceived as an aspect of deity.

Hush...

For some reason, it is 5:00am and i suddenly woke up and sooooh unable to sleep again... i was thinking about running today, but i have a slight cold and decide against it, since i clearly remember what happened the last time, i ended up in bed with the flu... i have been thinking a lot (again) lately... and thinking is sometimes bad, when it means wallowing in despair... "let it go, let it go..." but can i? saturdae, i was supposed to go out with my college buddies since she called me up and she was not feeling too great... (my angelic kin waking up, then and there), except that day, i was not feeling too helpful myself... i felt kind of like a wounded dog, so i decide against it, i might make it worse, and made a lame excuse that i was coming down with something and stayed home... then an "ex" texted, asking if i wanted to go for coffee... sucker!!! i'd said yes the last time, but not today, so, i ignore the messages and pretended not receive it (which was just as mean)... he will be so pissed, but today, i'm not myself and i reject human contact... because, i might end up absorbing their energies instead... not a pretty sight... "let it go, let it go" -- so i tell myself more than a dozen times... spent time with the kids instead... Sunday morning, went to my mom's with the kids and went shopping with my sister... bought shoes!!! for some reason, i feel a bit better after that episode... am i in the middle of an anxiety attack??? goddess, i hope not...

Sunday night, we get back home and as i was preparing the kids to bed, "Q", one of my college buddies, calls... and we have our usual chit-chat... and she tells me she needs a boyfriend and if "J" is still single, i say ... and instead of feeling her loneliness, i'd asked -- "how much does an online english teacher make???" -- so selfish me... so our conversation is funny -- it intertwines between old/new flames and job-hunting...

don't get me wrong, i love my job, but sooooh many changes have occured and lately, i feel that it has drained so much energy from me, and my corporate world has become a nosferatu-like system, sometimes i feel the need to get out...

if something is slowly chipping away bits and pieces of you, it means that it is not a good thing, right??? errr, right... and it doesn't help that i saw "him" again to ruin my working days... well, @ least he has not resigned, and good for him, there is a chance that he'll @ least get his retirement... so, what are my options??? hmmm, online english teacher sounds good... contemplate, contemplate, contemplate... until it becomes a meditation in itself...

as i write, hush by kula shaker is playing in the background... hush mind, hush... this'll pass...

Pandora's Box... a FREE VERSE - 2004

it is 7:00 A.M. , and i'm walking home
alone, again.
i do not miss Reean & Kix
i do not miss breaking up
the triumvirate.
i do not miss having breakfast and catching a glimpse
of their intimacy,
a private joke,
a shared smile, laugh,
or teasing,
over something
so only shared by 2
i do not miss being te third wheel
and i know what it feels like
to carry the weight of 2.

So, @ 7:00 a.m. that day
that morning,
i decided to walk home
alone. again.
And then a funny thing happened,
my feet gave up
as i was crossing the street to where Podium was.
It was as if some force of nature
some nameless circumstance as an angel
deliberately try to cripple me...
i get hit by cramps!!!

My gym instructor used to say ,
potassium
is the cure to cramps
but the last thing i want to do, @ this unholy time,
is to look for bananas...!

An alternative would be, breakfast.
i presume, as i amble,
and hobble,
and limp my way to Starbux
where he coffee is great
and the expense for that greatness,
greater.

So, i order black coffee, iced, no sugar
bagel, whole wheat, tosted
and Philly cream cheese. And hope,
and wish
and pray
that @ least one of those, had, of course
potassium in it.

And so, i dine, al fresco
with both my feet up on a chair
meditating on the pain,
all of it,
to subside.

So, where do you come in
this psycho-melodrama?
You read on and find out that
it is rather short,
more like a bit part,
a cameo, as they say on film.

From where i was temporarily planted,
there is a good view of Ortigas
the facades of old buildings
intertwyned with the new.
Like where i was then, stuck between
letting go of,
and loving you.

And i remenisce, nostalgic
( a feeling of overhelming persistence
when with a cup in my hand)
upon the last time we met.
How @ that particular moment
i felt that
you were mine
you were mine?
you were?
were you ever mine?
i always asked myself then,
so what can make it any different now?
Time is fleeting
and will always run its course
and space is as vast
and you will one day stray
to where my feet cannot follow
because i walk too slow,
and will always get the cramps.

Are you still going to ask why,
i sanctify this distance...?

One day,
i will say why. (Tuesday)
One day,
i will tell you why. (Wednesday)
One day,
i will definitely say why. (Thursday)
Any day now... why not?

Why?
Because you have opened up my fears
this Pandora's box has been unlocked
opened
undone
You have broken my shell
and i am afraid
that when your fancy declines
all that would be left
is
addiction.
So, don't ask me why
because i feel that you know why.

Understand this,
i wanted to remember
that i walked away first.
Never was the best student of life.
Never took a course in
"the art of letting go"
i wanted to remember
that i walked away first.
Take out my sewing kit
break open the super glue
Pull myself together
before
i evenfall apart again
this time, over you.
i've seen too mny backs turned
i've heard too many footsteps fade away
i will not sit and wait
to have my spirit chiseled away
small parts @ a time
slowly, and painfully
each time,
like the last time

So, @ 7:00 a.m. that day
i walk home.
Alone.
Again.

and i do not miss Ree-an and Kix
i do not miss breaking up
the triumvirate
i do not miss having breakfast and catching a glimpse
of their intimacy
a private joke
a shared laugh, smile or giggle.
Over something
so only shared by 2.
i do not miss being the third wheel.
And i know what it feels like
to carry the weight of 2.

or: Brooding with a cup of coffee, a piece of bagel and Philly Cream Cheese @ Starbuck's Podium, and Mourning over you...

OMG!!! Happy Anniversary!!!

i cannot believe i spent, nay, wallowed 2 years and blogged part of my life... thank you so much, my beloved laptop who never (?) - ooopsss, spoke too soon, remember the time with the live-journal post, uhhhhmmm, yeah... - let's make it, most often, agrees with my moods and the swings, yey!!!

and my darling, my speedball, i try not to remember too well - http://hairydawgs.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/11/index.html

2 years online, and what have i accomplished? basically... nothing? hmmm. no matter, i cannot believe, it's been that long... what a wild rollercoaster ride... hope i don't run out of things to rant, rave and whine about...

REPOSTING FROM an Old BLOG... UNTITLED

unfinished,
broken,
hanging in mid-air

i seek
something
perhaps
something
that will remain unseen.

i hold
in my hands
pieces of you
maybe...

my mind tries to capture
a perfect picture
of that one fine day
but too much alcohol
finds a gap in the details
what you said
remained perfectly so well
with you.
and i burn in shame,
because
i sometimes
lack bits and pieces
of that same scene...

we both remember
somehow,
i still do,

because right now
where i am,
i hold them close,
i still do,
not wanting to let go
of pieces of the puzzle
you took only minutes
to solve...

and when you did,
you stood up,
walked away,
i can still hear your footsteps
fading in the background

and i sit there
on the floor
a hand on my head,
the left one
perhaps,
i try to recall
i can't seem to focus
anymore...

i sit there on the floor,
trying to put together
pieces of the puzzle
we both promised to build,
but then we never did...

you walked away again,
maybe this time,
never to return.


***
and like the hundreds of Free Verses i have written, this one definitely means a lot... reality speaks volumes when i say to myself more than a dozen times - "salvage that something you will virtually lose..." - the muse/s? have moved on, a long time ago, the words remain... and i would gladly embrace all that remains, whatever it is, than be in a state of blissful amnesia... well, whatever, enough said...

my new site

i soooo love m new site... after long weeks of waiting to log online, i have finally created a new blog over @ multiply.com...

http://charmed1calinawan.multiply.com

this will hopefully be filled with neurotic thoughts, more black poetry, and some white magick to share with my new friends over @ dtv res-q team... good reading.

blessed be.

... using my poetic license

AWAY... 2004
FREE VERSE

One fine day
What was it that i had in my hands?
Was it
nothing but water?
nothing but sand?
Somethng that flows
through cupped hands
like the way i let you slip
farther
and farther
and farther away.

We have become strangers
You and i
have we become enemies as well?

I wished.
I prayed.
But it wasn't hard enough.
My prayers were not good enough
to turn back time
reset the clock
if only to bring back
what i though had been mine
that one fine day
what i held in my hands
was
a piece of your soul,
a part of your mind,
a space in your heart...
If only i can bring back,
what i thought had been mine.

That one fine day.
What was it
that i had in my hands?
Was it
nothing more than water?
nothing more than sand?
I flowed through my fingers
like the way you slipped
farther
and farther
and farther away.

We have become strangers,
again,
you and i.
Have we become enemies
as well...?


*** when you have so much time in your hands, internet access, and regret, might as well use my poetic license... you can never go wrong with a free verse.

angels are indeed born... happy birthday my little LAELA. :)

went to ortigas...

haven't been online in a bit, haven't really that much to say recently, just been very tired about a lot of things that happened (organizing events like my daughter's birthday -- what a production... played a few gigs this last couple of weeks...), a topsy-turvy roller coaster ride...

my vishnu!!! went to ortigas the other day, met up with my inai toni, the place has not changed really... still congested, smoggy with people walking around all snooty & cel-phone toting lke it was new york... and ortigas, as much as she would have her corporates dress in fake chanel & pradas will never be new york!!! she will always be a cheap copy of her version of new york...

bitter???!!! you can then have me tagged, i used to be one of those wanna be's once who drank lattes from starbucks plastic cups (until i discovered seattle's which was a bit more inexpensive -- ok, say, cheaper -- but the quality is just as good)or dined al fresco in one of the shops along emerald avenue (for some reason, changed to f.ortigas avenue) night after night after night... my shift that time started @ 9pm you see, and there was not a lot to do @ 8pm til my shift started but smoked cigarettes til our lungs scream out tar!!! and lunch was @ 12 midnight...

funny how things change when you're now back on the outside looking in, they all seem to all look like how they once did before i became one of them -- robotic, oblivious & some are just plain ridiculous...

and @ once i feel totally relieved, i can breathe now, freely, like a big weight has been lifted from my chest, and i realize who my real friends are...

so that day, i went to ortigas, and met up with my corporate surrogate mother... made me realized how getting stuck in a situation as ef**k can tell you who your real friends are... am glad she's one of those. :)

extraordinary -- liz phair

and along with this peechur, i post one of teh songs that i relate to a lot, freaky, ain't it???:

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

so like liz phair

... aside from the old friends i found... i also found liz phair... i like her, really do... she's cynical, smart-mouthed & she doesn't care if she comes from a family with middle class virtues & middle class sins... and middle class hang-ups... she just makes witty & sharp songs with the same intense lyrics... :P

Funny how my mind works...

today i love the cure... i mean, really love them... i remember a couple of days ago i wrote that i hated them... and today, i totally change my mind... really, i like to put my foot in my mouth for the taste of toejamb (eewww!!!)... i'm listening to one of their old songs, and i get really affected and make a 360 degree turn --

"You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream..."

doesn't it make you want to fall in love and have your heart broken over and over again??? the masochist in me lives... freaky, ain't it?

My Food For Thought Corner

... i haven't really found a site that speaks for me as a wicca -- so... i haven't added one... but one of my favorite my the lot is the archive of mis-heard lyrics... some are totally hilarious, some not so funny, others well, worth mentioning, like this one:

311: Come Original
The real lyrics were:
Come original you gotta come original, all entertainers come original...

But I misheard them as:
Drummer in denial we got a drummer in denial, all entertain us, drummer in denial...
***NOTE: is it because chad saxton seems to be alittle too on the happy side...?!

and:

They Might Be Giants: Birdhouse in Your Soul
The real lyrics were:
Blue Canary in the outlet by the light switch,
Who watches over you?

But I misheard them as:
Blue Canary in the outlet by the light switch,
Who wants this laundry?

and:

Smashing Pumpkins: Bullet With Butterfly Wings
The real lyrics were:
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

But I misheard them as:
A spider, A ray-gun, A seagull, A rat in a cage
***NOTE: i was so true, when i looked up this song that this would be one of the most interesting contributions... just so many version/s of the mis-heard lyrics, but this one tops them all (laugh-laugh-laugh)

and:

The Cure: Love Cats
The real lyrics were:
We're so wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully pretty.

But I misheard them as:
We've got one flea, one flea, one flea. Pity!

check out this site -- http://www.kissthisguy.com -- dedicated to mis-heard lyrics all because everyone thought Jmi Hendrix said:
" 'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy. "

... i love the The Clash... i love 'em, love 'em, love 'em to death... so i was really ecstatic -- read -- ecstatic when i finally had in my hands their solitary surviving rockumentary on dvd -- WESTWAY TO THE WORLD -- although, i'm not really sure if it's the only one from them though... :?

... on the cover, they were described as -- "the coolest, the most political, most eclectic and most thrilling...!!!" a description that would end all... all what?! i have no idea, just thought it would be good to add that line (laugh-laugh-laugh)

... joe strummer, mick jones, paul simonon, nicky "topper" headon -- each had their own interview and what a view of the world they had... it's just so bad that joe had died of a heart attack in 2000... all the more good because it puts them automatically to "legendary status"... i'm not even going to write how great they are... i really don't... just wanted to show off what i have in my collection, as of august 2006...

the dashboard...

where i am now... where i work... this is an important paart of our job -- to check the dashboard on every call... so like driving, huh? well, i guess you won't get to where you want to without checking the detail of your car -- right? is there gas? how is the engine temp? how fast are you going?

enough said...!

Funny thing happened along the way...

Bubba is fond of collecting local FHM magazine/s... and he happens to get the latest copy with pops fernandez on the cover... no, this will definitely have nothing to do with lambasting any pop icon, nor praising her... but this will have something to do with a previous incarnation and an encounter with a musical warrior with prowess on the drums... clap-clap-clap... but a little academically challenged... (ahem, ahem-ahem)

so, hey, he never had formal studies in music, and he wrote an article about music... so sue me... i may just be sour graping because i spent 6 years in the academe and barely wrote a flying term paper on t'aiko drums and reggae which blurred into the background and into obscurity... (laugh-laugh-laugh)

...but him...! i still remember his long hair and backpiece, like a mural in which q & u wrote the concept... but then agin, i'm not here to praise him, but in my own little way be a bitch again (sourgrape...! you leave sour to the taste... :p) and try to be all literatti about music again... well, i did study musicology -- and this gives me the authority to... (laugh-laugh-laugh)!

But then just for reference, i found an article in wikipedia about -- blast beats -- and there is a pattern for this, you just don't play fast and hard --

"Typical blast beats consist of 16th note snare and 8th or 16th note bass drum hits, on the top of which a cymbal, normally a hi-hat or a ride, is hit, in Quarter or 8th notes. Variations exist. Some people maintain the bass drum should be played with one foot for the best effect in blasts using 8th note bass drum strokes; however, some drummers choose to split the 8th notes between both feet.
One of the most common blast beats, used extensively in extreme metal, is one where single stroke 16th notes are played between the hi-hats and snare drum, and on every 8th note, a bass drum is hit."

And in this case, maybe he was @ a loss for musical description... the concept was there, the expalnation was where it became a bit blurry... music is not otherworldly in which it cannot be defined and measured -- as with any skill or science form -- music is exact -- even those which sound like an ingredient to madness... if that's the case -- maybe in another musical plane -- his short description of the blast beat would have been acceptable... but not that day, not to me (sourgrape-sourgrape-sourgrape...)

i remember a time in nother incarnation, about 6 years ago, where i saw all drum warriors gathered, to see dave weckl -- the "dave weckl" and he was giving a workshop to some cavemen... the "blast beat" was not a concept academically inclined musicians used, you cannot even find it in music... maybe this started from the music critics, maybe early hardcore punk bands... he was even a bit surprised about the concept when he was asked by a gurl-drummer... but then again, there is no "one" authority in music... that would be totally absurd...

...enough said, i just wanted to share a past life experience, hard not to when you keep bumping into them once in awhile... :p