The DharmA SattvA Stories...

...static...

2009-11-13T15:04:00.000-08:00

and silence,

move a step forward

and

a couple of steps

back

to where she lay,

smothered in the sheets...

of someone else's

thought?

head?

sigh,

bed...

does she even think,

does she even know

does she have an idea

what consequences await,

do 1 thing,

and it all comes back

do 1 thing

like circle, things

have a way of coming back

threefold

how do you follow

the 8-fold path

to enlightenment

when all your dreams

regress back to the time

you felt you had him

you felt -- "he was mine..."

the kiss was the drug

i was his,

he was mine

now we both live on

borrowed time

he said i lost it,

i felt i lost it

then again, how can one

lose something that wasn't yours

in the first place?

would he even consider

would he even know

would he even feel

the slightest hint of regret

@ being too shallow

and not willing follow,

in the same manner that she shied away

when he said

she wasn't what he was looking for...

she should have stayed on

and bided her time

but she couldn't

she had been much too proud

for that...

and now everything seems

to be in static

and silence,

move a step forward

and

a couple of steps

back

to where she lay,

smothered in the sheets...

of someone else's

thought?

head?

sigh,

bed...

does she even think,

does she even know

does she have an idea

what consequences await,

do 1 thing,

and it all comes back

do 1 thing

like a circle, things

have a way of coming back

threefold

how do you follow

the 8-fold path

to enlightenment

when all your dreams

regress back to the time

you felt you had him

you felt -- "he was mine..."

*** a free verse done half-asleep, half-awake... waiting for a muse, needing to be amused, and wanting amusement... none found... still waiting...

crave...

2009-11-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

how does one become addicted

to fame,

money,

popularity... ?

even physical pleasures,

in the form of

gluttony...

we cannot fathom,

think...

how does the mind really work?

do we always cloak our fears,

and shed crocodile tears...

like one boy

who cried...

WOLF!!!

savages, we all are

victims of fake humility...

do we suffer in silence

because of vanity...?

why do we crave,

is the hunger as deep

as the need

to be sated... ?

think, dream,

... sleep

we all want an end,

maybe not as grandiose

as some,

while

others seem to be somewhat,

unfinished...

half-baked, half-done, half-full

if you look @ the glass,

what do you see...?

is it filled

with nothing but

alcohol...?

crave...

why do we hunger,

what do we seek...?

is the hunger as deep

as the need

to be sated...

think, dream,

... sleep

we all want an end,

maybe not as grandiose

as some,

that left with the sound of a gun

as big as a...

BANG!!!

while

others seem to be somewhat,

unfinished...

*** a free verse... done half-asleep, half awake... rants & musings... my whatever things... because today was a pleasant goodbye through keys that form words that looked like conversation...

eyes, so silent...

2009-11-01T13:05:00.000-08:00

silent eyes,

you watch, still

and spill your secrets,

when friends have long gone,

you watch,

you wait

never sleeping ever awake,

still, but breathing

my beloved internet...

treated more than a girl's best friend

beware of voyeurs,

my sweetest little pet...

secrets are heard,

secrets are read...

whenever you click the keys,

the words form a thread...

late nights spent

with my wishing well,

my newfound lover,

the d.s.l

secrets are poured

like wine on a glass

secrets are scoured,

on pages that pass...

there will aways be

engines that search,

for a hidden past...

***bored and in need of a muse...

...must have been...

2009-10-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

the weight of the world,
the feeling of helplessness,
the night wearing
you out, into a thin veil
of a man
i once admired...

the cruelest of times
the hand that was dealt,
the cards gone awry,
it must have been,
you think it's time
to say goodnight...

the last breath escapes
from parted lips,
your son's embrace
have not been missed

a message left
on my phone,
simply said,
that you were gone...

it must have been
that you have known
how much time has
simply thrown
you away...
but i do not think of it
that way,
you live,
you'll live
you will always live
in Bubba's eyes,
my son and daughter,
long after they bear their own...

it must have been,
that you simply need
to rest,
it has been a long journey
and your bones do ache
all we all are dust
in the end,
all we all turn to dust,
in the end...

*** the night turns to day, too much airconditioning must have frozen my brain, this is but half of what i wanted to say... farewell...

waiting, burning cd's and boredome...

2009-03-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Tchaikovsky was a Russian composer prolific during the Romantic period of music.During his life he wrote many ballets, operas, concerti and other works for orchestra and chamber groups, including some choral work. His music displays the dramatic and lyrical melodies that are characteristic of many pieces of Romantic music, but are distinctive because of their acknowledgment of folk melodies and familiar songs.

***Teehee... answer to "Which Classical Composer Are You?" quiz... sabeko nangaba, my listening to and fascination towards the nutcracker suite means something...

SECRETLY -- Skunk Anansie

2009-02-03T02:59:00.000-08:00

I'VE BEEN BIDING MY TIME,
BEEN SO SUBTLY KIND,
I GOT TO THINK SO SELFISHLY,
'COS YOU'RE THE FACE INSIDE OF ME.

I'VE BEEN BIDING MY DAYS,
U SEE EVIDENTLY IT PAYS,
I'VE BEEN A FRIEND,
WITH UNBIASED VIEWS,
THEN SECRETLY LUST AFTER YOU.

SO NOW HE'S GONE RUSTY
YOU'RE BORED AND BEMUSED.

YOU WANNA DO SOMEONE ELSE,
SO YOU SHOULD BE BY YOURSELF,
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,

SECRETLY.

TRYING HARD TO THINK PURE,
BLOODY HARD WHEN I'M RAW,
YOU TALKING OUT SO SEXUALLY,
'BOUT BOYS 'N GIRLS AND YOUR FRIGGIN' DREAMS

SO NOW YOU FEEL LUSTY,
YOU'RE HOT AND CONFUSED,
SO NOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED,
YOU'RE CAUGHT FEELING USED.

YOU HAD TO DO SOMEONE ELSE,
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN BY YOURSELF,
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,

SECRETLY...

*** omgoddess... why am i posting lyrics... i don't know...

... and he said...

2009-01-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

"kiss me". She knew in her heart, that it would be the start of a slow, painful and deliberate death. Deliberate, because she learned eons ago what it was like to be within proximity of him. It was like running into a car-crash with the purpose of meeting it half way... And she embraced the idea of rushing headlong into a sea of cars on a crowded highway as she thought to herself, "hmmm, pre-meditated??? hell yes"...

Slow and painful, because after this whole ordeal, she felt like someone terminal with cancer, but the worst part is, she'll never know when this ends. She will definitely feel it somehow, but @ this point, it's indeterminate. She had been caught in a mousetrap of her own making. This was not how it was supposed to be, but somewhere, she made a wrong turn and got lost, again.

Months ago, she wondered, "hmmm, what's he like, now?", and marveled @ the thought, "does he still feel like some demi-god... a sort of gift to women, of sorts...?" Bitter??? Hell no, although, she did strain her memory a little, trying to recall the bits and pieces of him that she had collected over time and felt a twinge of gloom... She has never really experienced "us", not with him. It had always been him & her, she & he, with the "and" always in between, like a bridge trying to bring 2 worlds together, but never-ever coming close. The saddest part of it all was that, she felt, it had always just been her... But no matter, she would be ready, or so, she thought.

Like theives they walked in the shadows, with him leading on, and her straining to follow. In her mind, she wanted him to ask, she wanted him to be the first to ask, to maybe let him think that he picked her up first... In her mind she silently implored of him, "ask me once, and i'll say yes, damn-it!". Something seemed to spark because what followed next was an extraordinary turn of events and she was back where she started, to another life of about 4 years ago. And she wondered later on, was it the alcohol, or just being there with him that made it seem feasible, @ the time...?

She began to hate Erica Jong, for giving her the idea of the zipless fuck... She smiled, melancholic, and thought, "it would have been nice, though, to have everything without having to feel any guilt." Not one drop of remorse. It was everything she read in the book, the mystery, that hedonistic and depraved feeling of wanting nothing more.

But the experience was not zipless. There were no rose petals falling from the air, no incense or scented candles, not even piped-in music... Instead it was some maze of a cab-ride to nowhere in some cheap motel that charged by the hour and smelled musty and stank of other people's sweat... It was purely a "fuck", nothing more. To him, she probably meant nothing... He was like a drill sergeant giving out commands like, "take off your clothes, do this, do that". Until slowly she felt mechanical, like some coin-operated girl... Except she ran on and on, eager to please, waiting for... sunrise??? sunset??? Whatever, a burst of light of sorts that would signal the end of it...

The experience was not zipless, because it rained with complications, and the feeling of a steady and tragic affliction. It was like having your heart carved out in a million different ways, no one ever thought possible. It was the guilt that points its dirty little finger @ the most vile and impossible thing that she did... And the worst part was not having anyone to talk to about it, because no one will understand. So, she lets the shame chisel bits and pieces of her virtue, until she feels that it, too, is lost. No one has to know, the little hells she went through, while trying to draw out poetry out of the emptiness he carved. And like every episode of frailty in her life, it will come to pass, and then the healing comes. No one has to know the abyss that she has fallen into. No one.

***an attempt @ fiction writing, where the hell are my subjects going??? i don't know... heerap pala... will figure this out, eventually...

***The events, characters and emotions described within this blog are somewhat fictional... Any resemblance to actual persons living, dead or out of the country is purely unfortunate...

beginning to...

2009-01-27T07:05:00.000-08:00

grieve...

When will i start

to believe

again?

Why does it matter

when friends

fall

and falter?

To pitter,

patter

like rain on

the concrete pavement,

fear darkness

of basements,

a hanging,

a death sentence.

She wears black

she wears black.

Everyday,

she wears,

and tears,

rot like pears,

see tupperwares.

Feels like,

shoes run on treadmills

stinking landfills,

losing wills

and wits...

Life is the pits,

he wrote,

she wrote back

him full of mocking

her full of questions.

What happened?

this quilt will not mend

this quilt will not mend.

So she, begins to

grieve.

When will i start

to believe

again?

Why does it matter

when friends

fall

and falter?

To pitter,

patter

like rain on

the concrete pavement...

*** a collage of things that happened some night... it's better not to expect anything @ all, it lessens whatever things...

missing...

2009-01-27T06:45:00.000-08:00

2 golden minutes

set with 60 diamond stones

each

last left trickling

like sand on a glass vial

don't bother searching

they will never be recovered

those 2 golden minutes

last felt ticking

when you left.

*** 1994 -- reposting nanaman...

...still moving...

2009-01-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

...and quite frankly, am dog-gone tired... patience is a vitue, if you have plenty, and i don't think i ever will have much... delayed gratification has never been my thing, and now i'm hooked... 7 days feels like an eternity... a lot has happened in 7 days, but i'm still stuck in 2004... hmmm, well, now-what???

don't you just hate moving...???

2009-01-14T16:58:00.000-08:00

that's me, trying to move my stuff/site from one area of the internet to the other... wondering, how do i get to keep footprints and thumbmarks left on my previous site...??? (ie: comments & replies & pm's) ... and that famous movie quote i can never get right -- "it's not what you hold in your hands that is important, it's what's left when you open them and let go... dilemma, dilemma, dilemma... maybe, i won't have to delete that account... maybe, i just won't use it...???

welcome to the mover's connection... parang naglipat den'ako ng gamet, ah... oh well, whatever, enough said...

*** The events, characters and emotions described within this blog are somewhat fictional... Any resemblance to actual persons living, dead or out of the country is purely unfortunate...

...message from pandora's box

2009-01-14T10:16:00.002-08:00

for the longest time i have tried to put it off. i tried to restrain myself and play oblivious of this fact. but then, you are a man, of course, and will always yearn for physical company.

for the love of sanity, i have tried not to ask any question/s pertaining to "her", although i did see you write so many times about it. and th@ day was just so caught up with nothing to say, it finally happened. if i remember (and i probably don't because the last moments have been a blur) it well, my exact words were "what's she like?"

and always, always, always -- curiosity will kill the cat. and in this case, am engulfed in a nightmare of my own doing. after all, i did say the unmentionable and opened a pandora's box of sorts in which i can never escape...

my past has caught up with me and am laughed @ in the face. ok, to dsum it all up, this was how i felt when i read the message, or tried to, because everything has become a blur. and i guess it was my own fault for asking... in whichever case, i'm glad "she" is "wonderful" and so much more happy that you're happy with "her".

it would've been really selfish of me not to say so... and today, i am selfish. because i will never be described as anything more than someone who broke others' hearts, so...

***originally posted: Aug 23, '06 3:33 PM

...message from pandora's box

2009-01-14T10:16:00.001-08:00

***originally posted: Aug 23, '06 3:33 PM

...message from pandora's box

2009-01-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

***originally posted: Aug 23, '06 3:33 PM

... another day with "him"

2009-01-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

am dreading the today... and i hate mondays... always have, always will... my day starts on tuesday, like that abrasive relations song -- "we love tuesday on tuesday"... why? because i will not see "him" again...

this morning, and i swear forgive me for sounding like a drunken - alcoholic housewife, but
when lyzee and i went downstairs for a couple of beer @ tapa king (of course, it's all because of the tokwa't baboy!!! it's always been for the tokwa't baboy...), i had innocently asked ginger if it's ossible to feel the ultimate loathe for someone you don't even know...?

i mean -- poot sia, poot ako -- and we prob'ly don't even know the first letters of each other's first names...! shocking ain't it? could this be the start of something i will totally feel about about for the rest of my life...?

and then i get scared... there are things that i have done in the past and thought had gotten away with... what if "he" was my grim reaper inccarnate... i spent many sleepless (well, almost, barely 4 hours of sleep) afternoon/s because of this... what if... what if... what if... sounds scary, doesn't it???

and i'm probably not making any sense today, i'm with slight anticipation, with a hint of a beer-buzz, has a chance that i over-smoked today, and that is why i have these anxieties... i miss childhood when things were not so complicated, when all the choices you had was to either have the barbie or the cabbage patch doll for your 7th birthday...

and now i'm re-thinking if i'll be able to work and plot/ plan the life-course of my children... i have offspring!!! i am female, pala... i have given birth to a tree that i would have to nurture and care for aside from myself... i am scared... will i pull it off??? will i be ble to pull it off???

and to top it all off... there is still the issue of "him" in the office, and i can't help but dread, mondays... any monday worth mentioning where i keep bumping into "him" and most of all "her"... and they look so perfect together... and i'm wondering, when will i be perfect...???

had i asked for too much? was i really reaping what i had sown...? is this why they keep telling me everything will go back to you threefold?... really can't say, i don't have a clue... i maybe just over-reacting, making mountains out of mole-hills, reading too much between the lines (when actually, the bibliography has been carefully mapped out... huh???)

ah, basta... it's monday... and like all mondays past, i dread... idread... i dread... mondays.

enough said.

***originally posted: Aug 21, '06 5:32 PM

Funny how moods change

2009-01-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

...when i read my entry from last night and i see that everything had changed from -- contemplative to melancholic to chipper to crushed... what a night i must've had...

... can't say why i suddenly felt the urge to write a mile a minute --- oh, yeah, stupidity got the best of me, before i even saved my latest, greatest masterpiece, my pc had suddenly surged to refresh mode and deleted the entry... and it was indeed very gut-wrenching, heart-stopping one...

... i dread going to the office today, because, i know that i will definitely see "him" along with "her"... and i don't know why "they" affect me so much... hell, i don't even know their names, or what their freinds who know them call them by... really have no clue, but each time i see his colored hair, my mood passes a series of natural catastrophes as level 3 typhoon, a hurricane and some decibel 4 earthquakes... minor, but really, i feel so -- ugh! i don't know...

... and let's not even talk about his colored hair that goodness tells me doing that came and went with the bandwagon it came from... geezus! i can be so mean sometimes... and i'm not taking this lightly... why??? because my previous post had been stupidly erradicate... no amount of back-tracking can recover... i hate the internet sometimes... :(

... oh, and also, seeing him in the office 3 times a week, just a glimpse takes me back to "him"... and he left me!!! 8 years ago to be exact... and when i see his long-lost brother just brings me back to a time and a musty-smelling and tainted club (called dredd) and i'm in braids wearing very thick mascara, pale lipstick & doc martens and him... we're sharing a glass of adios and used the same straw (i should've lamitaed that darned thing years ago...) but no, i will not stoop to stalker-like level...but i find it really funny how things seemed like a chico-sci or urban dub video then... and i get so affected...

...enough said...

***originally posted: Aug 18, '06 5:54 PM

I missed you today...

2009-01-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

i remember some of the things i shouldn't have, couldn't have done as opposed to what i should have or could have done... sorry, i saw superman, the new movie version... and it had some parallelism/s to my life, what happened because of things... things no one should ever have to feel, because they're damaging -- physically, emotionally...

i remember kissing you by the door of the ladies' powder room (was there such a place in club dredd..) and wanting more... i let it stop there though... my death began when your lips touched mine and i will never feel anything as intense... nor feel anything as innocent and real...

i hated you when you left without saying goodbye, and thought i'd moved on... i haven't really... you carved your way into my heart like some stain no amount of reason can ever wash away...

now, i'm not really sure if i love you to reciprocate some guilt feeling/s i have for not admitting what i felt years ago... or maybe i love you now because you are something that i will never have (and man will always yearn for things forbidden and deprived)... i'm not really sure if it is lust manifest as love... or maybe i love you because i have, always, just loved you...

no one ever knew me the way you did... no one... period...

i don't regret things that happened after "us", if there was ever an "us"... i just wish you can move forward without "me" dragging you behind... do you sometimes feel that? i do... i feel like someone's nightmare, made flesh... have you moved on -- without me? i don't mind...

leave me in my misery, because i deserve this... i'm so sorry... this time, i really am...

and joy division's love will tear us apart is playing on my launchcast radio -- what a backdrop to a very melancholic day i am having...

***originally posted: Aug 18, '06 12:26 AM

Circus Studios

2009-01-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i said yes... to join y old percussion buddies again... haiii, pressure!!! play the snare, do this, do that... enrique, por favor, i just got here!

and the freaky part about it is, i enjoyed that day... and would consider yesterday as my official -- homecoming!!! i had a chance to play the rocar & the tamborim which had become my favorite instrument over-all... eh, why the tamborim? because it is light, right and you can dance without effort with this instrument... i simply love it!

see inset on the right... look how fun it is! and i missed that... had a beer as well with diane, rose & tusa... missed them as well... gurl-talk...

*** originally posted: Aug 17, '06 11:49 PM for everyone

On 80's Alternative Music

2009-01-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

if there is a god online... i would be damned, for internet heresy... grabbing photos, posting irrelevant thoughts without hesitation, and giving unsolicited advice to anyone who would probably come face to face with my blogs... a shame, really... the only way to redeem myself is to focus on one topic @ a time, collect relevant detail/s of my life and post in all honesty...

well, here is one... really!

while listening to elvis costello, i contemplate how 80's alternative music evolved to the 90's... they sound so totally night and day... 80's alternative, though totally appealing sounded so pansy-driven... not to cause any commotion and violent reaction to my previous comment/s but has anyone listened to -- r.e.m., 10,000 maniacs, the pretenders, new order, the smiths & soft cell -- as opposed to green day, 311, red hot chili peppers, or nirvana & soundgarden? get my point?

one of these days, someone with a grudge on their late 30's and early 40's will be running over my sorry ass with their suv's... really! because of these forethought/s, thought/s & afterthought/s...

well, there are other bands that sounded a bit heavy then -- the alarm, the replacements, the cult... they also had that crunchy geetar sounds & used power chords like there's no tomorrow... hmmm... and then you hve the all acoustic punk band -- violent femmes in the 80's... and prose you'll never hear again from robert smith of the cure or echo & the bunnymen the 80's actually sounded, not so bad...

enough said...

my first journal entry

2009-01-14T08:17:00.000-08:00

***SURVEY Says:

1.)Single, Crushin', Interested, or in a
Relationship?

* really can't say... does being single make you emotionally deficit? does married life make you proud to say you are? does being married and casually interested make you prone to having affairs... really can't say...

2) Are you happy with where you are?
* where you are... is that a physical point of reference...? some days i'm ecstatic, some days, just not... is that a problem...?

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
* no, but when i fall in love, it will be forever -- like that song... freaky, ain't it?

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
* no, more like, thrown out, crushed to the ground and beaten to a pulp, and maybe a couple of times..

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
* exams that you forgot to cram for? maybe...

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
* is being into someone without crossing the physical barrier/s having an affair... then maybe, i have... tsk, tsk.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
* honey, i'm into one... but we never really talked about it, more like thrown in our face/s like a wet towel.

8) Do you want children?
* always... recipe for a healthy marriage, take care of someone else, not just yourselves -- or your neighbors'...

9) How many?

* 5 -- all girls (wiccas)... but then again, i have 2, and they're perfect.

10) Would you consider adoption?
* what?! and waste my definitely prime, grade-a genes...? maybe, if i were sterile -- i love children...

11) If somebody likes you right now, what do you think would be a cool way to let you know?
* just a hint of a coy look and slow smile, leave it on him for a few seconds til you catch a glimpse of him looking @ you -- then look away... leave a lasting impression, without really saying a word...

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
* not really... if that's not who i am? then, i'd rather be myself rather than be superficial...

13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating the player?
* players will be players... and the games are quite competitive... yeah, i guess, and beating him @ his own game would be an option...

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?

* not really... what is worth seeing cannot be seen by the naked eye... things like -- a good sense of humor, witty comments, great bedroom voice... i fall in love with sounds! :)

15) Are you romantic?
* hopeless...

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
* yeah, but that would be totally inaproppriate... you cannot be in a relationship hoping to make-over or change someone...

17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object, where would it be?
* the great barrier reef -- aussie! and everyone would be wearing scuba gear, and what-not...

18) Sex buddies - good or bad?
* FB's -- enjoy 'em while they last... because they don't, usually...

19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
* yes, i am such a crybaby... tissue please.

20) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know it or not?
* hmmm... what kind of feelings -- like you wanna throw yourself @ em? or throw your hands on someone's neck...?

21) Have u ever wished u could've had someone but u messed that up?
* honey, i always seem to mess it up... but yeah, i did have one -- and he got away... i'm sure he's thanking some nameless deity for his luck!

22.) Have you broken a heart?
* hmmm... more like, thrown out, crushed to the ground and beaten to a pulp, and maybe a couple of times, too... what comes around, goes around baby!

23.)What will happen if u come and find another person in bed with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ wife/ husband?

* anyone for threesome???

24.) Would u ever fight somebody over ur significant other?
* no. plain and simple.

25.)What would u say about your last ex?
* i'm walkin', i'm walkin', i'll keep walkin' by...

*** don't you just find these things silly??? well, i picked it up from someone's mail and answered 'em, so i guess, that makes me sillier... this is my initial entry... prob'ly keep writing silly stuff in the future...

the dharmasattva stories will be moving...

2009-01-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

relocation seems to be the best option @ this time...and this is the best time for change...

so far...

2008-08-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

Summer's really gone...

hasta luego,

until the next open

season...

Because today, my horoscope says...

2008-08-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

Having a routine in your life can help you get things done more quickly, but it can also make things a little bit boring. So if you're looking for a way to make your regular way of doing things a little bit different, ask a few friends for advice. Find out how they keep variety in their life and try to apply one or two of their tactics to your day. It might not feel comfortable at first, but at least it will be different, and that can be very interesting.

SA DILIM

2008-07-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

Nandoon ako

Naroon ka rin

mga aninong tahimik

ngunit, parang nangungusap

liwanag lang ng buwan

@ ang dagat

ang

ang tanging saksi

Ang mga puno, ay parang mga manonood

may mga matang

nakadungaw sa bukas na bintana

may mga isip

nag-uumapaw sa lihim

@ sa pag-ihip ng hangin

ay sabayan ang pagbigkas

ng samut-saring kuwento

sa mga naganap,

nagaganap

@ magaganap pa,

sa kapaligirang tahimik.

Doon ako nawala,

@ muling nagbalik.

Naubos,

@ muling pinunan.

Doon ko natagpuan ang bulalakaw

na sumandaliang lumipad

@ sumabog na parang bahag-hari

@ nang makaraos ang bagong taon,

ibinalak kong humimlay

ng panandalian.

Ngunit ika'y biglang tumayo

@ naunang lumisan.

Doon mo ako iniwan, kung saan

ang dilim

ay nag-aagaw buhay

sa bukang-liwayway...

*** an attempt @ free verse in Filipino... errr, had to research the words for the right spelling... hmmm, words are words... sometimes i feel that it's ok not too focus too much on spelling, ciang bigkas, ciang bai-bai...

2008-JULY-16

1 for Maria Perez

2008-06-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

i know myself

as i know who you are

for we both count misfortunes

as blessings

We swim in our tears

bathe under the rainfall of salt

to cleanse our soul

We grind in our angst

crush them like stones

upon our bleeding palms

And revel with vanity and pride

@ small victories

from somewhat, invisible wars...

We parade our battle scars

i know myself

as i know who you are

for we both exist

on a pen and paper world...

Thir13en Ghosts

2008-06-15T02:48:00.000-07:00

i was putting my little ones to sleep when thirteen ghosts suddenly came into my head... weird, huh? so, i rummage the internet again for the gist of the movie and the characters that make up the 12 ghosts, and this is what i find... thanks wikipedia :)

***The twelve ghosts which make up the Black Zodiac all have their own unique back story. Although these stories were not described in the film, on the DVD the production and make-up teams explain their guidelines. All the ghosts were contained in glass prisons. Dennis' psychic abillities and Cyrus' resources are used to catch them. Cyrus narrates each ghost's back story.

1. The First Born Son -- is the ghost of Billy Michaels, a boy who was a fan of cowboy films. One day, a neighbor found a real steel arrow in his parents' closet. He challenged Billy to a duel, with Billy using a toy gun. However, his plaything was no match for the arrow, which the neighbor used to kill Billy by shooting it through the back of his head. In death, Billy is in his cowboy suit with an arrow impaled in his head. He is holding a tomahawk axe.

2. The Torso -- is the ghost of a gambler called Jimmy "The Gambler" Gambino. Losing everything in a boxing match to Larry "The Finger" Vatello, he tried to welch on his bet and escape. The mob and Larry, to whom he owed money, caught up with Gambino and cut him into several pieces, wrapping them in cellophane and dumping the corpse into the ocean. His ghost is just his torso, trying to walk around on its hands, while his head lies nearby screaming within the cellophane.

3. The Bound Woman -- was a cheerleader named Susan LeGrow, who was born privileged and had a penchant for seducing men and tossing them away. This left a long trail of broken hearts. A pre-prom affair leads to her current boyfriend strangling her (and killing the other man). He buries her body at the fifty yard line of the local football field. The boyfriend was convicted and sentenced to death; before his execution, he was quoted as saying, "The bitch broke my heart, so I broke her neck." Her ghost is in her prom dress, hanging suspended by the strangling implements with her arms tied behind her back.

4. The Withered Lover -- is Jean Kriticos, Arthur's wife. She was burned severely saving her family from a devastating house fire. She later dies of her wounds in the hospital. Her ghost is still in a hospital gown, carting an IV and showing severe burns on her face. Unlike the other ghosts, she is not a vengeful spirit, electing to help her family rather than show malevolence.

5. The Torn Prince -- is the ghost of Royce Clayton, who was a gifted baseball star in High School, albeit with attitude issues and a superiority complex. He challenged a greaser, named Johnny, to a drag race but was killed as his car spun out of control and flipped over. His brakes had been cut. His body was buried in a plot of earth that overlooked the baseball diamond. His ghost carries a baseball bat and in the background in his cube his wrecked car can be seen. Half of his body is torn to shreds from when he was dragged under the car.

6. The Angry Princess -- is Dana Newman, who did not believe in her own natural beauty. Abusive boyfriends fueled her low self-esteem, which led to much unneeded plastic surgery for imagined defects. Eventually she got a job working for a plastic surgeon, getting paid in treatments rather than cash. Alone at the clinic one night, she tries to perform surgery on herself. She fails, blinding herself in one eye and permanently mutilating herself beyond saving. She commits suicide in the bathtub via multiple self-inflicted butcher knife slashes. When she was found, they said that she was as beautiful in death as she was in life. Her ghost is naked, still carrying the butcher knife she killed herself with and showing all the wounds. In the edited version shown on T.V., her breasts are shown clear, with the nipples edited out.

In her bathroom scene. the phrase "I'm sorry" is visible on the floor in blood; subtitles also reveal that the blurred, hissing speech that announces her arrival is her whispering "I'm sorry." This was written on her suicide note.

7. The Pilgrimess -- is the ghost of Isabella Smith, an English woman who traveled across the Atlantic and settled in New England. She was an outsider to the town she moved into, and this isolated her from the other townsfolk. She was found guilty of witchcraft after livestock began to die mysteriously, and when she emerged from a burned down barn completely unharmed, and sentenced to the stocks (pillory) with no food or drink until she died. As a ghost, she is still locked into her stocks.

8. & 9. The Great Child and The Dire Mother -- is the ghost of Margaret Shelburne, who was an attraction in a carnival due to her being only three feet tall. She was raped by the "Tall Man," another carnival freak. She bore a child, Harold, who eventually weighed over 300 pounds (136 kg).

Harold, spoiled, was raised as his mother's protector. He kept a child-like mindset. One day some of the carnival freaks decided to play a little practical joke on Harold, and kidnapped his mother. Enraged, he set out to look for her but when he caught up with the culprits he found that his mother had accidentally suffocated to death in the bag that she was kept in. Harold takes an axe and slays the other tormenters. For a time he displays what was left of them for paying customers. Later, when the owner of the carnival found out what Harold had done he ordered a mob of people to tear Harold apart. Their ghosts are always together, and Harold still wields the axe.

An alternate version of the story is told in the DVD commentary. It was said that his death was caused by him rolling over on her in sleep and him suffocating her, then him starving to death.

10. The Hammer -- is the ghost of a blacksmith, George Markley, who lived in a small town in the 1890s. He was threatened to be driven out of town after wrongfully being accused of stealing by a man named Nathan. Knowing he was innocent, he refused to leave and stayed in town. A gang led by Nathan, hangs and burns the bodies of his wife and kids. In return, George uses his sledgehammer to beat the culprits to death. George is then chained to a tree and is executed by having railroad spikes hammered into his body with his own sledgehammer. His hand is cut off and replaced with the murder weapon. The ghost is seen with the railroad spikes protruding from his body and a sledgehammer for a right hand.

11. The Jackal -- Ryan Kuhn was born in 1887 to a prostitute. Ryan had an insatiable lust for women, rape, and murdering prostitutes. Wanting to be cured he commits himself to Borehamwood Asylum but after attacking a nurse he is put in a straight jacket and thrown in a padded room. After years of imprisonment in a padded room he went completely insane, scratching at the walls so violently that his fingernails were torn completely off. The doctors kept him permanently bound in a straight jacket, tying it tighter when he acted out, causing his limbs to contort horribly. Still fighting to free himself, Ryan gnawed through his straight jacket until the doctors finally locked his head in a metal cage and sealed him away in the dark basement cell. There, he grew to hate any kind of human contact, screaming madly and cowering whenever approached. When a fire broke out in the asylum, everyone but Ryan escaped. He chose to stay behind and face the fire. As a ghost, his arms are free from his jacket, and the bars of his cage are ripped outwards, showing that he may have escaped his bindings again sometime before the fire started.

12. The Juggernaut -- was a serial killer named Horace "Breaker" Mahoney. Standing seven feet tall, his grotesque height led to his ostracization as a child. After his father died, Horace was left on his own, soon going mad. He would pick up female hitchhikers and drive them back to his junkyard, before tearing them apart with his bare hands and feeding them to his dogs. One day he picked up an under-cover female cop. The female cop called assistance and soon Horace was surrounded. Since close combat was impossible, the police instead struck the junkyard in force and brought him down in a hail of bullets. When he finally went down, they shot an extra magazine into him, just to be safe. His ghost still shows bullet holes all over his clothing, and the wound that finished him. This is the ghost that Cyrus and his team capture in the opening scene.

13. Willing Sacrifice -- The 13th ghost is not actually a ghost but a willing human sacrifice (the sacrifice of the broken heart), the only ghost to be created out of an act of pure love. The thirteenth ghost is the key to the device powered by the thirteen souls. Once this thirteenth sacrifice has been made, the eye of hell can be opened.

What is DADA then???

2008-06-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

NOUN:

A European artistic and literary movement (1916-1923) that flouted conventional aesthetic and cultural values by producing works marked by nonsense, travesty, and incongruity.

Another Attempt @ Dada

2008-06-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

so she made herself too small

almost became invisible

if you chance upon a wallflower

then it means, your heart is pure

it was almost june then

now it just keeps on going,

going,

til it's gone.

do i say goodbye

to my beloved vampire?

do nothing but wear

music all the time

because people are not only

sensed,

other than seen,

thay are heard and smelt...

on day can come crashing i know

when will we ever see snow?

i don't know.

i really don't know...

getting the hang of...

2008-06-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

*** online shopping... yesterday, i take a stab @ trying to order online without a credit card, I'm not sure if i messed it up and got the seller totally whackedout and confused, but i try my bestest to explain that - this is what i want... no more, no less... and i want it soon... hmmm, demanding end-user... hopefully they get my 1 order apiece right... am super-excited...!!! does it show???

*** doing mainbank calls... because the RES-queue has been super-kyuwing since the start of the year... and it's not an exaggeration to say that "RESQ is the new mainbank"

*** posting comments on friends' sites... i used to be super-conscious of what to say, because i might end-up sounding either too profound and begging for an explanation, or a complete jackass, or worse - just plain, super-lame...

*** not having too much coffee in a shift without exploding and acting like someone from hell incarnate...

1989

2008-06-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

i seem to be,

warped from reality

a tad strange

a shade absurd

and for that i'm treated diff'rently

i don't mind...

*** i guess as early as that, i realized i was not like a lot of people... and my otherworldliness keeps becoming apparent as the days go by... i don't mind.

Who is an Empath?

2008-06-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

Empaths are often poets in motion. They are the born writers, singers, and artists with a high degree of creativity and imagination. They are known for many talents as their interests are varied, broad and continual, loving, loyal and humorous. They often have interests in many cultures and view them with a broad-minded perspective. They are mother, father, child, friend, nurse, caregiver, teacher, doctor, sales people... to psychic, clairvoyant, healer, etc. (That is not to say that any of these categories are all empaths.) The list is extensive and really unimportant. It is more important to notice that empaths are everywhere--in every culture and throughout the world.

Traits of an Empath

Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings.

However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.

Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.

Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.

People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light.

Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding.

Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind.

because today my horoscope reads...

2008-06-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

Be encouraging and help others ride the wave of good energy that you're on, right now! It's easy for you to create good times for your people because you are feeling exceptionally generous and warm toward the people you care about most. You know all their favorite activities, so why not plan something that you know they'll love? Even if you just have a friend over to watch their favorite television show at your place, they will love being hosted in such a thoughtful way.

HE WALKS BY

2008-06-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

bottlecap shades, walks down the street
with an air of nonchalance
as he strides past
and doesn't seem to mind the world around him
as he goes
on an endless search
for scattered poetry on the ground

A romantic in the making's subject
becomes an object of obsession
one enveloped in mystery
behind a tinted glass sanctuary

i could only lust
@ what lies hidden
beyond this poet's mind
i could only yearn,
as i trail him from behind.
And he doesn't know
how i scrutinize (him)
with microscope-like eyes
and how this desire grows
into majestic proportions
day by day by day by day

As he walks on by
with his eyes hidden behind
bottle-cap shades.

*** for LL 1993 -- my gawd, i'm recycling old poetry... am i becoming pathetic... ??? hope not =c

well, now what?

2008-06-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

What Kind of Empath Are You?

You are a Healer Empath. You take in the energy of others and transmute it. You trigger transformation in others and free trapped energy. You are capable of great healing abilities. You walk between the worlds and bring waves of healing energy with your presence. (from "The Book of Storms" by Jad Alexander at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Empaths/)

Healer

95%

Universal

90%

Traveler

85%

Shaman

85%

Judge

80%

Artist

80%

Fallen Angel

75%

Precog

70%

*** i haven't really thought about it much, but in a way, i have always felt i knew the answer, but was afraid of what i'd find... so i kept everything in a box and wished it did not exist... well, here ia am again, and how do i start to harness/ hone it for the benefit of others that i wish to help??? hmmm... where do i begin??? moreso, how do i begin?

Shadow

2008-06-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

In the absence of light,

she gazes upon the stars

she waits,

she arrives.

She is the otherkin

born from abyssmal dreams

and born for carnal pleasures

She partakes of the non-living

and the living, damned

alike.

Tho ones whose fortunes

have been dealt with

a bad hand

though she as herself

knows not how to gamble...

But

she finds herself

within their midst

lured to play

the role of madness and destruction

She is

unwilling, and yet

she plays the part well

in the theater of tragedy

her

love's unbroken spell...

*** The Psi Vampires are fascinating creatures... i feel i have befriended one and our paths keep crossing, every now and then... she believed in what her "psychotherapist" diagnosed her to be and now she has slowly diminished, not only her strength, moreso, her beauty, supersadness... All i can say is, she should not have listened... i miss her old self, what am i saying??? but i do... will she ever return...?

...ALMOST JUNE...slightly free verse

2008-05-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

as i bask in the light,

summerday grow shorter

twilight seems to stay

much, much longer...

i long for the sunshine,

to stay awhile...

how he runs away from my grasp

like a little boy teasing

runs away

tenderly waves,

and is gone...

and i remember,

Beltaine's already passed...

so-long spring time love

my dark, wet

and dreary days

now will take your stead...

and whichever direction you came from

is where angels

fear to tread...

so-long summerbreeze

and your crystal clear skies

impeccable whites

of your cotton-candy cloud...

my dark, dreary wet earth

awaits

and beckons...

FREE VERSE 81X03

2008-05-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

i have learned how to take everything,

one day @ a time

it's just that on some occasions

several days, attack...

all @ once!!!

and i am covered, in chaos

sometimes closer to drowning...

other days, everything else

just leaves me alone... moreso, now

some days like now,

when all i ever want

is someone to touch...

someone to hold me...

guide me towards the light...

well, well, well

is it the kitchen i find?

or the basement?

no matter,

just get me there...

in one

solid

piece...

Contemplative mood...

2008-05-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

yey!!! hooray!!! i'm finally getting my rhythm back and slept and woke up @ the desired timeframe i planned... hmmm, the power of the mind can be quite surprising, but then again, this is what i wanted, this is what i planned, so...

woke up @ 1:30 this afternoon and now having my first cup of coffee... i superlove coffee, and was out in the garden and listening to the sounds of the earth, the daily sonance & dissonance... i can imagine and feel the earth breathe and heave around me... and i suddenly feel a wave of emotions pass - in between content, melancholic and contemplative...

spent time with "S" this morning and i don't think she's ok... i have always thoughtof her as "bullet-broof" and "untouchable" sort of like an oak tree... so bad of me to dissect and generalize people too much... i cannot help putting people in small boxes and labelling them -- not healthy... mental note -- "broaden perspective and analyze less"... so, the minute i wake up, i still think of her and the last time we parted ways and she almost hits a man crossing the street... i don't know if she saw that i saw, and so on... but i text her anyway and make sure she replies... and she did... grand... but i forgot to thank her for the ride, hopefully she understands... @ least, it occured to me that she got home safe... right now, i am debating if i want to give her a "protection spell" or a token of something to boost her inner self... but, she might think i'm freaky... well, who knows what happens next unless i come up to her and do something... (girl who wants to save the world and can't even save herself...) a good listening ear and assurance, probably will work better... well, hopefully i will see her @ work today and talk about her issues more... there's nothing better than pouing your heart out over coffee, or lunchbreaks or what-not... (this day is not about me... mantra...)

and because i woke up early, today, i will watch my fave show on tv - Witch Yoohee - superkewlness... it's not really that funny when media makes a parody out of the word "witch" and what the word actually stands for, but in all honesty, i find the show amusing, and i like it, because i can laugh in a genuine manner... sometimes all we need is a good laugh to get through the day... there i go again...
oh well, whatever, enough said...

incantation...

2008-05-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

i am beauty personified...

mother earth, made flesh...

***unfinished... i'm sure i'll think up more words... just that today, those lines came as a spark, and waned...

TATTVA

2008-05-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

I. Like the flower and the scent of summer,
like the sun and shine,
Well the truth may come in strange disguise
Send the message to your mind.

II. At the moment that you wake from sleeping
and you know it's all a dream,
Well the truth may come in strange disguises
Never knowing what it means.

III. For you shall be tommorow,
like you have been today,
If this was never ending, what more can you say?

*** from a prayer ***

Tattva is a Sanskrit word meaning 'thatness', 'principle', 'reality' or 'truth'...According to various Indian schools of philosophy, a tattva is an element or aspect of reality conceived as an aspect of deity.

Hush...

2008-05-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

For some reason, it is 5:00am and i suddenly woke up and sooooh unable to sleep again... i was thinking about running today, but i have a slight cold and decide against it, since i clearly remember what happened the last time, i ended up in bed with the flu... i have been thinking a lot (again) lately... and thinking is sometimes bad, when it means wallowing in despair... "let it go, let it go..." but can i? saturdae, i was supposed to go out with my college buddies since she called me up and she was not feeling too great... (my angelic kin waking up, then and there), except that day, i was not feeling too helpful myself... i felt kind of like a wounded dog, so i decide against it, i might make it worse, and made a lame excuse that i was coming down with something and stayed home... then an "ex" texted, asking if i wanted to go for coffee... sucker!!! i'd said yes the last time, but not today, so, i ignore the messages and pretended not receive it (which was just as mean)... he will be so pissed, but today, i'm not myself and i reject human contact... because, i might end up absorbing their energies instead... not a pretty sight... "let it go, let it go" -- so i tell myself more than a dozen times... spent time with the kids instead... Sunday morning, went to my mom's with the kids and went shopping with my sister... bought shoes!!! for some reason, i feel a bit better after that episode... am i in the middle of an anxiety attack??? goddess, i hope not...

Sunday night, we get back home and as i was preparing the kids to bed, "Q", one of my college buddies, calls... and we have our usual chit-chat... and she tells me she needs a boyfriend and if "J" is still single, i say ... and instead of feeling her loneliness, i'd asked -- "how much does an online english teacher make???" -- so selfish me... so our conversation is funny -- it intertwines between old/new flames and job-hunting...

don't get me wrong, i love my job, but sooooh many changes have occured and lately, i feel that it has drained so much energy from me, and my corporate world has become a nosferatu-like system, sometimes i feel the need to get out...

if something is slowly chipping away bits and pieces of you, it means that it is not a good thing, right??? errr, right... and it doesn't help that i saw "him" again to ruin my working days... well, @ least he has not resigned, and good for him, there is a chance that he'll @ least get his retirement... so, what are my options??? hmmm, online english teacher sounds good... contemplate, contemplate, contemplate... until it becomes a meditation in itself...

as i write, hush by kula shaker is playing in the background... hush mind, hush... this'll pass...

Pandora's Box... a FREE VERSE - 2004

2008-05-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

it is 7:00 A.M. , and i'm walking home
alone, again.
i do not miss Reean & Kix
i do not miss breaking up
the triumvirate.
i do not miss having breakfast and catching a glimpse
of their intimacy,
a private joke,
a shared smile, laugh,
or teasing,
over something
so only shared by 2
i do not miss being te third wheel
and i know what it feels like
to carry the weight of 2.

So, @ 7:00 a.m. that day
that morning,
i decided to walk home
alone. again.
And then a funny thing happened,
my feet gave up
as i was crossing the street to where Podium was.
It was as if some force of nature
some nameless circumstance as an angel
deliberately try to cripple me...
i get hit by cramps!!!

My gym instructor used to say ,
potassium
is the cure to cramps
but the last thing i want to do, @ this unholy time,
is to look for bananas...!

An alternative would be, breakfast.
i presume, as i amble,
and hobble,
and limp my way to Starbux
where he coffee is great
and the expense for that greatness,
greater.

So, i order black coffee, iced, no sugar
bagel, whole wheat, tosted
and Philly cream cheese. And hope,
and wish
and pray
that @ least one of those, had, of course
potassium in it.

And so, i dine, al fresco
with both my feet up on a chair
meditating on the pain,
all of it,
to subside.

So, where do you come in
this psycho-melodrama?
You read on and find out that
it is rather short,
more like a bit part,
a cameo, as they say on film.

From where i was temporarily planted,
there is a good view of Ortigas
the facades of old buildings
intertwyned with the new.
Like where i was then, stuck between
letting go of,
and loving you.

And i remenisce, nostalgic
( a feeling of overhelming persistence
when with a cup in my hand)
upon the last time we met.
How @ that particular moment
i felt that
you were mine
you were mine?
you were?
were you ever mine?
i always asked myself then,
so what can make it any different now?
Time is fleeting
and will always run its course
and space is as vast
and you will one day stray
to where my feet cannot follow
because i walk too slow,
and will always get the cramps.

Are you still going to ask why,
i sanctify this distance...?

One day,
i will say why. (Tuesday)
One day,
i will tell you why. (Wednesday)
One day,
i will definitely say why. (Thursday)
Any day now... why not?

Why?
Because you have opened up my fears
this Pandora's box has been unlocked
opened
undone
You have broken my shell
and i am afraid
that when your fancy declines
all that would be left
is
addiction.
So, don't ask me why
because i feel that you know why.

Understand this,
i wanted to remember
that i walked away first.
Never was the best student of life.
Never took a course in
"the art of letting go"
i wanted to remember
that i walked away first.
Take out my sewing kit
break open the super glue
Pull myself together
before
i evenfall apart again
this time, over you.
i've seen too mny backs turned
i've heard too many footsteps fade away
i will not sit and wait
to have my spirit chiseled away
small parts @ a time
slowly, and painfully
each time,
like the last time

So, @ 7:00 a.m. that day
i walk home.
Alone.
Again.

and i do not miss Ree-an and Kix
i do not miss breaking up
the triumvirate
i do not miss having breakfast and catching a glimpse
of their intimacy
a private joke
a shared laugh, smile or giggle.
Over something
so only shared by 2.
i do not miss being the third wheel.
And i know what it feels like
to carry the weight of 2.

or: Brooding with a cup of coffee, a piece of bagel and Philly Cream Cheese @ Starbuck's Podium, and Mourning over you...

OMG!!! Happy Anniversary!!!

2008-05-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

i cannot believe i spent, nay, wallowed 2 years and blogged part of my life... thank you so much, my beloved laptop who never (?) - ooopsss, spoke too soon, remember the time with the live-journal post, uhhhhmmm, yeah... - let's make it, most often, agrees with my moods and the swings, yey!!!

and my darling, my speedball, i try not to remember too well - http://hairydawgs.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/11/index.html

2 years online, and what have i accomplished? basically... nothing? hmmm. no matter, i cannot believe, it's been that long... what a wild rollercoaster ride... hope i don't run out of things to rant, rave and whine about...

REPOSTING FROM an Old BLOG... UNTITLED

2008-05-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

unfinished,
broken,
hanging in mid-air

i seek
something
perhaps
something
that will remain unseen.

i hold
in my hands
pieces of you
maybe...

my mind tries to capture
a perfect picture
of that one fine day
but too much alcohol
finds a gap in the details
what you said
remained perfectly so well
with you.
and i burn in shame,
because
i sometimes
lack bits and pieces
of that same scene...

we both remember
somehow,
i still do,

because right now
where i am,
i hold them close,
i still do,
not wanting to let go
of pieces of the puzzle
you took only minutes
to solve...

and when you did,
you stood up,
walked away,
i can still hear your footsteps
fading in the background

and i sit there
on the floor
a hand on my head,
the left one
perhaps,
i try to recall
i can't seem to focus
anymore...

i sit there on the floor,
trying to put together
pieces of the puzzle
we both promised to build,
but then we never did...

you walked away again,
maybe this time,
never to return.

***
and like the hundreds of Free Verses i have written, this one definitely means a lot... reality speaks volumes when i say to myself more than a dozen times - "salvage that something you will virtually lose..." - the muse/s? have moved on, a long time ago, the words remain... and i would gladly embrace all that remains, whatever it is, than be in a state of blissful amnesia... well, whatever, enough said...

my new site

2007-06-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

i soooo love m new site... after long weeks of waiting to log online, i have finally created a new blog over @ multiply.com...

http://charmed1calinawan.multiply.com

this will hopefully be filled with neurotic thoughts, more black poetry, and some white magick to share with my new friends over @ dtv res-q team... good reading.

blessed be.

... using my poetic license

2006-10-12T02:46:00.000-07:00

AWAY... 2004
FREE VERSE

One fine day
What was it that i had in my hands?
Was it
nothing but water?
nothing but sand?
Somethng that flows
through cupped hands
like the way i let you slip
farther
and farther
and farther away.

We have become strangers
You and i
have we become enemies as well?

I wished.
I prayed.
But it wasn't hard enough.
My prayers were not good enough
to turn back time
reset the clock
if only to bring back
what i though had been mine
that one fine day
what i held in my hands
was
a piece of your soul,
a part of your mind,
a space in your heart...
If only i can bring back,
what i thought had been mine.

That one fine day.
What was it
that i had in my hands?
Was it
nothing more than water?
nothing more than sand?
I flowed through my fingers
like the way you slipped
farther
and farther
and farther away.

We have become strangers,
again,
you and i.
Have we become enemies
as well...?

*** when you have so much time in your hands, internet access, and regret, might as well use my poetic license... you can never go wrong with a free verse.

2006-09-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

angels are indeed born... happy birthday my little LAELA. :)

went to ortigas...

2006-09-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

haven't been online in a bit, haven't really that much to say recently, just been very tired about a lot of things that happened (organizing events like my daughter's birthday -- what a production... played a few gigs this last couple of weeks...), a topsy-turvy roller coaster ride...

my vishnu!!! went to ortigas the other day, met up with my inai toni, the place has not changed really... still congested, smoggy with people walking around all snooty & cel-phone toting lke it was new york... and ortigas, as much as she would have her corporates dress in fake chanel & pradas will never be new york!!! she will always be a cheap copy of her version of new york...

bitter???!!! you can then have me tagged, i used to be one of those wanna be's once who drank lattes from starbucks plastic cups (until i discovered seattle's which was a bit more inexpensive -- ok, say, cheaper -- but the quality is just as good)or dined al fresco in one of the shops along emerald avenue (for some reason, changed to f.ortigas avenue) night after night after night... my shift that time started @ 9pm you see, and there was not a lot to do @ 8pm til my shift started but smoked cigarettes til our lungs scream out tar!!! and lunch was @ 12 midnight...

funny how things change when you're now back on the outside looking in, they all seem to all look like how they once did before i became one of them -- robotic, oblivious & some are just plain ridiculous...

and @ once i feel totally relieved, i can breathe now, freely, like a big weight has been lifted from my chest, and i realize who my real friends are...

so that day, i went to ortigas, and met up with my corporate surrogate mother... made me realized how getting stuck in a situation as ef**k can tell you who your real friends are... am glad she's one of those. :)

extraordinary -- liz phair

2006-08-25T01:47:00.000-07:00

and along with this peechur, i post one of teh songs that i relate to a lot, freaky, ain't it???:

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

so like liz phair

2006-08-25T01:34:00.000-07:00

... aside from the old friends i found... i also found liz phair... i like her, really do... she's cynical, smart-mouthed & she doesn't care if she comes from a family with middle class virtues & middle class sins... and middle class hang-ups... she just makes witty & sharp songs with the same intense lyrics... :P

Funny how my mind works...

2006-08-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

today i love the cure... i mean, really love them... i remember a couple of days ago i wrote that i hated them... and today, i totally change my mind... really, i like to put my foot in my mouth for the taste of toejamb (eewww!!!)... i'm listening to one of their old songs, and i get really affected and make a 360 degree turn --

"You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream..."

doesn't it make you want to fall in love and have your heart broken over and over again??? the masochist in me lives... freaky, ain't it?

My Food For Thought Corner

2006-08-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

... i haven't really found a site that speaks for me as a wicca -- so... i haven't added one... but one of my favorite my the lot is the archive of mis-heard lyrics... some are totally hilarious, some not so funny, others well, worth mentioning, like this one:

311: Come Original
The real lyrics were:
Come original you gotta come original, all entertainers come original...

But I misheard them as:
Drummer in denial we got a drummer in denial, all entertain us, drummer in denial...
***NOTE: is it because chad saxton seems to be alittle too on the happy side...?!

and:

They Might Be Giants: Birdhouse in Your Soul
The real lyrics were:
Blue Canary in the outlet by the light switch,
Who watches over you?

But I misheard them as:
Blue Canary in the outlet by the light switch,
Who wants this laundry?

and:

Smashing Pumpkins: Bullet With Butterfly Wings
The real lyrics were:
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

But I misheard them as:
A spider, A ray-gun, A seagull, A rat in a cage
***NOTE: i was so true, when i looked up this song that this would be one of the most interesting contributions... just so many version/s of the mis-heard lyrics, but this one tops them all (laugh-laugh-laugh)

and:

The Cure: Love Cats
The real lyrics were:
We're so wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully pretty.

But I misheard them as:
We've got one flea, one flea, one flea. Pity!

check out this site -- http://www.kissthisguy.com -- dedicated to mis-heard lyrics all because everyone thought Jmi Hendrix said:
" 'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy. "

2006-08-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

... i love the The Clash... i love 'em, love 'em, love 'em to death... so i was really ecstatic -- read -- ecstatic when i finally had in my hands their solitary surviving rockumentary on dvd -- WESTWAY TO THE WORLD -- although, i'm not really sure if it's the only one from them though... :?

... on the cover, they were described as -- "the coolest, the most political, most eclectic and most thrilling...!!!" a description that would end all... all what?! i have no idea, just thought it would be good to add that line (laugh-laugh-laugh)

... joe strummer, mick jones, paul simonon, nicky "topper" headon -- each had their own interview and what a view of the world they had... it's just so bad that joe had died of a heart attack in 2000... all the more good because it puts them automatically to "legendary status"... i'm not even going to write how great they are... i really don't... just wanted to show off what i have in my collection, as of august 2006...

the dashboard...

2006-08-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

where i am now... where i work... this is an important paart of our job -- to check the dashboard on every call... so like driving, huh? well, i guess you won't get to where you want to without checking the detail of your car -- right? is there gas? how is the engine temp? how fast are you going?

enough said...!

Funny thing happened along the way...

2006-08-15T16:56:00.000-07:00

Bubba is fond of collecting local FHM magazine/s... and he happens to get the latest copy with pops fernandez on the cover... no, this will definitely have nothing to do with lambasting any pop icon, nor praising her... but this will have something to do with a previous incarnation and an encounter with a musical warrior with prowess on the drums... clap-clap-clap... but a little academically challenged... (ahem, ahem-ahem)

so, hey, he never had formal studies in music, and he wrote an article about music... so sue me... i may just be sour graping because i spent 6 years in the academe and barely wrote a flying term paper on t'aiko drums and reggae which blurred into the background and into obscurity... (laugh-laugh-laugh)

...but him...! i still remember his long hair and backpiece, like a mural in which q & u wrote the concept... but then agin, i'm not here to praise him, but in my own little way be a bitch again (sourgrape...! you leave sour to the taste... :p) and try to be all literatti about music again... well, i did study musicology -- and this gives me the authority to... (laugh-laugh-laugh)!

But then just for reference, i found an article in wikipedia about -- blast beats -- and there is a pattern for this, you just don't play fast and hard --

"Typical blast beats consist of 16th note snare and 8th or 16th note bass drum hits, on the top of which a cymbal, normally a hi-hat or a ride, is hit, in Quarter or 8th notes. Variations exist. Some people maintain the bass drum should be played with one foot for the best effect in blasts using 8th note bass drum strokes; however, some drummers choose to split the 8th notes between both feet.
One of the most common blast beats, used extensively in extreme metal, is one where single stroke 16th notes are played between the hi-hats and snare drum, and on every 8th note, a bass drum is hit."

And in this case, maybe he was @ a loss for musical description... the concept was there, the expalnation was where it became a bit blurry... music is not otherworldly in which it cannot be defined and measured -- as with any skill or science form -- music is exact -- even those which sound like an ingredient to madness... if that's the case -- maybe in another musical plane -- his short description of the blast beat would have been acceptable... but not that day, not to me (sourgrape-sourgrape-sourgrape...)

i remember a time in nother incarnation, about 6 years ago, where i saw all drum warriors gathered, to see dave weckl -- the "dave weckl" and he was giving a workshop to some cavemen... the "blast beat" was not a concept academically inclined musicians used, you cannot even find it in music... maybe this started from the music critics, maybe early hardcore punk bands... he was even a bit surprised about the concept when he was asked by a gurl-drummer... but then again, there is no "one" authority in music... that would be totally absurd...

...enough said, i just wanted to share a past life experience, hard not to when you keep bumping into them once in awhile... :p

soul food... number 2

2006-08-10T04:24:00.000-07:00

i am reading books again... yep, read it right, reading books... not something off the net, not something off a newspaper article -- an honest to goodness 500-pager paper-back... and i did not choose the book i was going to read, rather, it chose me...

have you ever felt so empty that the next best thing you do about it is sleep hoping your dreams fill the void gnawing @ the pit of your consciousness but really knowing that nothing can fill you up...

and it was during that time that i actually saw this book... "the book" -- that would change my life forever... my first reaction was to hate it... really loathe it from the bottom of my soul, i hated it... WHY??? because it felt real... it made my fears take form and i ran alongside them without so much as a breather in between... and i take it with me as i eat, sleep and breathe mediocrity... i have, i found, and i am... the book that he wrote...

"Now, however, time (having no further use for me) is running out. I will soon be thirty years old... Perhaps, if my crumbling, over-used body permits. But i have no hope of saving my life, nor can i count on having even a thousand nights and a night. I must work fast, faster than Scheherazade, if i am to end up meaning -- yes, meaning -- something... I admit: above all things, i fear absurdity..."

why had salman rushdie written those things...? if not to taunt us, to make us feel that our lives wrought with imperfection/s are indeed absurd... but then, i felt compelled, moved by his words, and that's when i decided that i can make him the enemy... or make his words a mirror of my truth...

but then again, this is fiction we're talking about... :)

Soul Food...

2006-08-08T03:11:00.000-07:00

one of these days i will be reprimanded for internet theft... not really... i do not get monetary gain from my mundane hobbies as surfing, blogging and grabbing... in fact i tend to lose -- a lot... a lot of time that is... then again, is it really time lost when learning is gained...? we'll never know... all we have is our physical body that we drown in vice/s and do we do the same to our minds...? life today, seems close to overflowing... we seem to be moving too fast, and too close to destruction... i have not met anyone yet, who has learned to breathe in a manner that is truthfully light, i have yet to meet that person... :)

even our thoughts run @ the speed of light... and our dreams ride a bullet train to mars... slow down, slow down, slow down...

btw, i was going to show this article...

79.1 Five Kinds of Dharma Body

In Cheng Yen sect, all teachings are established on the ground of Buddhas, i.e. the manifestations of the Dharma Body of Buddhas as the results of the cultivation of Buddhahood. There are five kinds of Dharma Body, which are all incorporated in the Dharma Body of Vairocana Buddha, covering all Buddha and Bodhisattva in ten directions and in three periods, deities and dragons, gods and ghosts, sentient and non-sentient beings and all others.

They are:

Dharma Body of Self-nature [自性法身] -- the real body of all Buddhas, which is the nature of Dharmas and the ration of all. It is naturally perfect and complete, permanent in all times. It is the source where the Dharma of Three Mysteries comes out.
Dharma Body of Self-enjoyment [受用法身] -- There are two kinds, one is self-use and the other is use for others. The former is his own body, which corresponds to the ration/law. The latter is the appearance of the body for the sake of teaching the Bodhisattvas in ten stages, which corresponds to the wisdom.
Dharma Body for Transformation [變化法身] -- For the sake of probationary Bodhisattvas and those in Two Vehicles, the Buddhas appear their magnificent bodies in order to explain the Dharmas certified with personal experience.
Dharma Body for Equal Spreading [等流法身] -- This body is delivered equally for the beings in the other nine realms. The body is appeared in the same form of the beings, which will be taught of the Dharmas in accordance with their interests and understanding.
Dharma Body of Dharma Realm [法界身] -- The Dharma Body of The Buddha consists of Six Essential Elements, pervading the entire Dharma realm in all directions.

Freeze Frame...For JOYZ

2006-08-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

look Joyz... i can't believe you thought we were bluffing about going out and having a drink with Pao!!!

Isn't this peechur-perfect???

dharma -- means...

2006-08-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

\"... something related to justice and virtue personified...\" to choose something as accomplished and powerful as this word is no feat... i have thought it over and thought it back again... sometimes seriously, sometimes with feelings as something the god Loki would invoke, but definitely, i knew that when i chose this word -- it should define my existence... true... sure... not really... don\'t we all sometimes wish to escape the narrow paths and grinding routine that we have? don\'t we all want to just be invisible and not be cause for any mis-judgements and malice from anyone? don\'t we all want each and everyday that we face to be as creaseless and pain-free as possible?

... but what does it have to do with the name i chose??? nothing, absolutely nothing... i just wanted to sound deep today, is all!

2006-08-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

possession of brute force does not a hero make...

my son once asked me (and he is a precocious one for a 6-year old), how can we best fight someone???

and one thing came to mind -- aesop's fables... they will definitely empower his mind to choose his battles and act accordingly... sun-tzu's art of war did come to mind -- but then again, he's only a child, no need to "keep his friends close, and his enemies closer...???" also, sometimes following those tactic/al books can do more harm than good...!

in this case, i would definitely prefer aesop any day... try reading "the wind and the sun" (circa 6th century b.c. by aesop) and you'll understand what i mean...

btw, on the upper left, inset of my personal heroes -- rob kampia -- formerly of norml (national organization to reform marijuana laws) and now chair for mpp.org (marijuana policy project) has nothing to do with my son's question, but he did cross my mind when i read the story to my son that day...

"...gentleness is much stronger than power or force..." everything can be won over by gentleness (respect, friends, a raise...!!!)... there is truth in this statement... and i guess, aesop must have been a marijuana advocate himself -- peace!

All Time Favorite Songs from the 1990's

2006-08-01T21:21:00.000-07:00

The Sweater Song -- Weezer
Insane in the Brain -- Cypress Hill
King of the Kerb -- Echobelly
They Sleep -- Belly
Feed the Tree -- Belly
Good -- Better Than Ezra
Been Caught Stealing -- Jane's Addiction
Sunless Saturday -- Fishbone
Smells Like Teen Spirit -- Nirvana
My Sister -- Juliana Hatfield
Pets -- Porno for Pyros
Under the Bridge -- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Breaking the Girl -- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Lucky -- 311
Homebrew -- 311
Wynona's Big Brown Beaver -- Primus
Loser -- Beck
Drug Buddy -- The Lemonheads
Ruby Soho -- Rancid
Weak -- Skunk Anansie

*** some of the songs that literally blew me away and changed the way i am... not necessarily in this order, not necessarily my all-time favorite (could be mine, and some someone else's)... they say college is your formative years and will brand you for the rest of your life... i guess they have.

Fountains Of Wayne - Sink To The Bottom Lyrics

2006-08-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

LyricsI wanna sink to the bottom with you
I wanna sink to the bottom with you
The ocean is big and blue
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you
Cars on the highway,
planes in the air
Everyone else is going somewhere
But I'm going nowhere,
getting there soon
I might as well just sink down with you
I wanna sink to the bottom with you
I wanna sink to the bottom with you
The ocean is big and blue
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you
I just wanna
Out on the highway,
up in the air
Everyone else is going somewhere
They're going nowhere,
and I'll be there too
I might as well go under with you
I wanna sink to the bottom with you
I wanna sink to the bottom with you
The ocean is big and blue
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you
The ocean is big and blue
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you

Life as a quake bar... ok... make it a twinkie...

2006-08-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

i have often been told that my taste and concept in everything is something not very filipino -- that i'm simmered and drowned in everything very post-colonial american... remember px goods? hershey's chocolate bars, gap t-shirts, levi's jeans, koolaid juice mix/es???

and ok, even my tast in entertainment is shameful...! i don't listen to filipino pop music, well, some rock bands will do -- "will do...!" -- why? because i prefer american, even uk pop music... jamaican reggae music, pre-punk/punk/post-punk uk music, folk-rock/ blues/ dixieland music from southern american states, and some alternative music from the american westcoast... some of our rock bands sound like them, so i prefer not to listen to xeroxes of my heroes...

and i admit to not speak our language very well, in fact, i'm quite lousy @ it... because i'm cebuano... and visaya is as foreign to tagalog as french is to the english language... hahaha, my analogies... will get me in trouble someday... the purists will probably snatch me in the middle of the night, complete with torches and stakes and burn me a few feet outside the village and hang my carcass for everyone to see -- "look anastacia, look @ what happened to her -- she had turned back on her heritage, and look what happened to her"...

even my views on politics and religion is very post-colonial american -- growing up in a baptist school and having turned my back on doing the sign of the cross made enemies for me from my devout religious friends...

i still think federal government rules! it takes away full executive powers from the president... they follow federal law, but each state has the power to overturn or override each law...! ain't that cool? real people are allowed to vote for their own state policies...! wish it happens here. no wonder they're first world, everyone gets involved with what happens to them in the future... each individual has the power to decide and act on their future...

therefore, that psyche, i try to embody -- being pro-active... only i decide for myself, what i want to happen, when it happens, and how it happens... i don't really care if people say i'm a quake bar -- brown on the outside and white on the inside...

are we drowning in too much information...

2006-08-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

...that our attention spans have become so short and we feel like a goldfish swimming from one end to another but never finding what we're looking for...?
...that we tend to view a movie to be too long if it ran for about 2.5 hours... and we say a good movie that says it all has a length of 1.5 hours...? in the 50's when celluloid was a fairly new technology, the length of a regular movie was around 3 hours, and we wonder how our grandparents were able to sit through the whole thing...!
...that we think sending/ replying to about a dozen emails is a task! back when the internet was but a concept, we did everything by hand, and foot... we sent letters to my dad, write a draft (complete with corrections and erasures, if we used a pen) and re-write it on a clean sheet of stationery or designer paper, place it in an envelope, go to the post office and mail it... looking back (it wasn't even that bad then), we have it good now, but we still complain when we have to answer tons of emails...
...that we use the words and machines that have "automated", "diy", "electronic transfers", like modern day nannies... when did the word self-care mean anything but your physical abitlities without the help of machines...?
...that we can't sit and listen to a song more that 3.5 minutes long...? when i was in college, life was a concert featuring suites & concertos more that 8 minutes long... and yes, i was able to sit through them without the least bit feeling fidgety!
...that in every other food we buy, the word "instant" is a requirement... instant coffee, instant mami noodles, instant juice drink, instant viand mixes... instant death by preservatives...?
...that we think the latest and hottest fashion look like riff-raff and rags, clothes now are called rags... back in the old days, a rag only meant one thing -- a piece of cloth used to wipe out dirt...

...wild no? ran out of things to say, so...

club dredd presents -- nude with butter

2006-07-31T00:37:00.000-07:00

This is so like Ace, sending me this peechur from out of the baul (no type-o here)...taking a nostalgic trip back to memory lane... one of our earlier gigs @ club dredd... just look @ us! kids with big dreams and rock n' roll in our minds and hands...wheh! trying to sound deep... daw!
whatever happened to us? where did the music go? when did we stop believing that we can conquer everything with girl power, beer & rock n' roll...? when will i stop sounding like a 60 year old reminiscing about days past? how did ace (who doesn't even know how to make her subject/s and predicate/s meet, much less conjugate words in their proper tenses) end up in sykes??? when will rheia come out of the closet??? what is sharon up to (now that she's married to some guy who looks like eminem's long-lost doppleganger) ??? where the hell is my sister mike in the peechur???
hai... long time... where did the time go? we were kids then, but we had purpose -- to be heard... now that we're adults, do we still have purpose??? if so, what?
wheh! pa-deep parin!

*** actually, this is just an excuse to show-off our wildly memorable past... look ma! i'm in an all-girl rock band! hahaha!

...and today still finds nick hexum in my thoughts...

2006-07-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

2006-07-29T01:53:00.000-07:00

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Receiving department, 3 a.m.
Staff cuts have socked up the overage
Directives are posted.
No callbacks, complaints.
Everywhere is calm.
Hong Kong is present
Taipei awakes
All talk of circadian rhythm
I see today with a newsprint fray
My night is colored headache grey
Daysleeper
The bull and the bear are marking their territories
They're leading the blind with their international glories
I'm the screen, the blinding light
I'm the screen, I work at night.
I see today with a newsprint fray
My night is colored headache grey
Don't wake me with so much.
Daysleeper.
I cried the other night
I can't even say why
Fluorescent flat caffeine lights
Its furious balancing
I'm the screen, the blinding light
I'm the screen, I work at night
I see today with a newsprint fray
My night is colored headache grey
Don't wake me with so much.
The ocean machine is set to nine
I'll squeeze into heaven and valentine
My bed is pulling me,
Gravity
Daysleeper. Daysleeper.Daysleeper.
Daysleeper. Daysleeper.

*** i'm still here and i already miss it. who i've become. who i am. and soon, who i was... who knows??? i may try and go back, old habits are hard to break... who knows? i just might... ( i still remember this... drama queen!!!)

...and because i am moving my weblog... i had to bring along baggage...

2006-07-29T01:32:00.000-07:00

-----Original Message-----
From: abode spa [mailto:abodespa2000@tmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 20, 2005 11:31 PM
To: Real; Anthony Style
Cc: Rahmel; shalimarruiz@yahoo.com
Subject: Aboday Products

Charmaine, my great website builders, following you will find ABODAY products description that we spoke about. Please include this on my website. I will send you additional pictures example - papaya, oranges, green tea, chamomile, cucumber ect. Keep in touch with me on progress.

www.abodespa.com
Aboday Spa
906 Amsterdam Avenue
New York
(212) 749-41xx

***AND ANOTHER ONE***

-----Original Message-----
From: angela [mailto:fluffyangels@earthlink.net]
Sent: Sunday, May 02, 2004 4:42 AM
To: Charmaine
Subject: Re: Website Completion - USWebsiteBuilder

Charmaine- thank you for such hard work- overall I like it a lot! Please- 1)no address!!!!!!!!! [would you want every wierdo in the world to know your home address???????????]2)I do NOT TAKE AMEX-- only vis / m/c and DISCOVER
3) NO EMAIL ADDRESS- as you know, I only check it ever 3 or 4 WEEKS
4)my hours are 9am- 8pm MOUNTAIN TIME [mon-thurs] 9am - 4pm Fri // [ I will take appointments after 4 on Fri, or Sat 9am to noon if PRE-PAID IN ADVANCE ]
5) I am glad you got the feeling of things, and I love the very top graphic, but I am not crazy about the smaller one with the baby- just hearts and angels would be better- maybe scattered all over the page?
6) on the home page, could the font be lots bigger- and colored?

Thank you so much for your help!
Please call me,, when it is ready- you know I won't check my email..............

thanks again!!!!!!!!!!
Angela

*** things that kept me going through hell and back again... that's how i felt then... i survived because of kind words from people i hardly know... and i will keep them for the rest of my virtual days...

Salvage th@ something you will virtually lose...

2006-07-29T01:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday, February 26, 2006...Aqualung - Brighter Than Sunshine Lyrics... i found on the internet and posted on one of my online incarnations months before. Has come back to life and haunted me... i cannot afford to delete you, precious words...

I never understood before I never knew what love was for My heart was broke, my head was sore What a feeling
Tied up in ancient history I didnt believe in destiny I look up you're standing next to me What a feeling
What a feeling in my soul Love burns brighter than sunshine Brighter than sunshine Let the rain fall, i don't care I'm yours and suddenly you're mine Suddenly you're mine And it's brighter than sunshine
I never saw it happening I'd given up and given in I just couldn't take the hurt again What a feeling
I didn't have the strength to fight Suddenly you seemed so right Me and you What a feeling
What a feeling in my soul Love burns brighter than sunshine It's brighter than sunshine Let the rain fall, I don't care I'm yours and suddenly you're mine Suddenly you're mine
It's brighter than the sun It's brighter than the sun It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.
Love will remain a mystery But give me your hand and you will see Your heart is keeping time with me
What a feeling in my soul Love burns brighter than sunshine It's brighter than sunshine Let the rain fall, I don't care I'm yours and suddenly you're mine Suddenly you're mine

...one round after shift...

2006-07-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

... from a poem, off my friendster...

we do this everyday...
and frankly, i'm hooked!
what will my partner say???
does it qualify as -- having an affair???
what will my "straight" friends think?
they'll prob'ly dish-out
sordid things like -- i thought she was "bi"???
has she gone one way, all the way?
because everyday we do this...
and quite frankly,
i'm hooked...
lyza, sandee n i
have somethin' like a threesome
goin' on...
we do this everyday...
we do this everyday...
after post-shift,
tks corrections and whatnot,
after the last elid swipe...
it's downstairs from there...
hahaha... beer man...
drink beer!
we do this everyday.
one round of beer after shift.
and we do this everyday.
but seriously, i'm hooked.

i remember this song...

2006-07-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd once never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait,
She knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away,
But don't look back in anger I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows
If it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away
So I start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait,
she knows it's to late as she's walkin' on by
My soul slides away,
But donn't look back in anger I heard you say

So Sally can wait,
She knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away,
But don't look back in anger I heard you say

So Sally can wait,
She knows its too late as she's walking on by
My soul slides away,
But don't look back in anger I heard you say

Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
At least not today

... i remember this song. this was quite popular when i was in college. oasis was the "beatles" of our generation (or, so they said...). and "he" would sing it over and over until it bacame so grating, i would politely ask "him" to just cut it out... i remember this song. and i refer to "him" like some god. he is not. @ the time he could've been. i stood by "his" commandments and rules, so close to monk-like devotion... i wish he could be in front of me, right now, and i would say to him: "you are not god. i was never your girlfriend. i felt like a prisoner and i will always remember the day you broke up with me. my spirit was crushed. i died, but then, was reborn... i became a godess to, you know..." but i will never find "him" again... and maybe it had to be good enough... but i wish, i wish, he could've seen the transformation... because really, i will always be, the girl he left behind as he sings over and over -- "don't look back in anger" @ me. and i haven't, looked back in anger... just relief... and a wave goodbye to the little bass notes that keep running around in circles in my head... goodbye.

Adam Sandler Films... and CLICK

2006-07-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

the last film i saw this week... i am wondering where time went for me and how annoyingly close to home Adam Sandler movies hit, all the time... Grrr! his films are just so true, so honest, and it makes you want to just hug and kiss the person next to you on every film... have you ever wondered, "how does he do that???"...pure genius.

Theme-Songs

2006-07-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

"...who's got the herb? has got the boys askin'..." i have nothin' bbetter to do on a thursday morning and i am listening to launchcast radio on my pc. WHY? because, i cannot afford to buy an i-pod, and i wanted to update my blogs and listen to music @ the same time... it's funny how music affects what you feel and the present state of mind you belong to, but then again, it could be the other way around... you feel like shit, hence, you listen to music that would make you wallow in the shameless pit you were confined... i really don't know. Now, they're playin' "under-the-bridge" by the chili peppers... and it makes me sad. how sad? just sad... then again...